day 2364 – phone hijacked

whipped out my phone to film how my current back tucks look like. i left my phone for a bit and so many of these photos appeared in my album. my back tucks are looking more ‘complete’; it certainly evolved a lot since the first ones. the confidence and consistency has improved tremendously and the landing is a slightly softer and more controlled. i’m still working on my set to get more height in this flip so i can have an even softer landing which would be easier on my ankles

day 2205 – sync x-out

i wasn’t pressing to regain confidence in my back tuck after necking it, but i’m happy to say i got it back only nine days since. thinking it’s time to ease myself into the x-out, i pleasantly progressed back onto the floor in just one day. i’m even happier i actually have some moves i can now sync with others. it really does help when i get to do it alongside one of the best. not only does it push me to go for it, it also allows me to study and compare what he’s doing batter and what i can do to get mine better. this is by far the best x-out i’ve ever done on floor and feeling grateful for all the support he’s given me

day 2004 – roundoff game

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a few weeks ago, my roundoff didn’t look remotely like a roundoff. i made up my mind that i wanted to change that so i worked on it every class, it’s really come a long way since. deep down, i ultimately wanted the roundoff backtuck but i didn’t want to press for it and waited for my coaches to have confidence in me first cause clearly i didn’t. it was offered today and i’m very happy i chose to go for the roundoff backtuck at the end of today’s session. i went home really feeling really satisfied knowing that i’ve taken a big step towards attaining what i’ve always wanted

day 2000 – flip flops

it was one of those few flip sessions where my flips felt pretty strong. signs of improvement in my back tuck where i landed some solid ones both spotted and unspotted. cart front off the air track felt pretty good; good enough i even gave front twist a few tries. randomly revisited websters and for the first time, landed on my feet in the red. i think i have what it takes to land them, but i do know it’s a lack of confidence, which was also pointed out. i’m really aiming to hit something in january. there’s a few things on the top of my list: roundoff back tuck, gainer, moon kick, flash kick, and websters are amongst my top

day 1785 – pvc roller

on the ground for hours icing and rolling myself out after feeling the pains of a pull. i hadn’t noticed any pain or spasm until i got home and adrenaline wore off. prior to that, i had gone to class to work on more combos, cheat seven twenties, cartwheels and back tucks. i was quite pleased with my stuff today especially getting a handful of back tuck practices in with less spot. i feel better about it and it’s just a matter of getting the confidence now to making it over with no hesitation. in the meantime, i’m doing everything possible to alleviate this pain sensation i’m feeling done my back; and an appointment is upcoming

day 1473 – game development

a steady development in my game lately as a result of playing with the higher tiers, receiving pointers, and just getting more ice time. a good day of hockey for me that started off well in britannia, but drop in is where it clicked; even with my aching body and tired legs, i felt strong on my skates. i thought i played a solid game gaining more confidence on the ice whether carrying the puck, driving to the net and playing good positioning. it’s nice when the opposing players compliment on your game, especially the goalie on my shot. it makes me smile a little he said i have a dangerous shot cause both speed and accuracy is there. i hate it when opposing guys take my lightly just because i’m a girl, but the fact they check me harder is a sign of gaining respect

day 1442 – one on one’s 

img_20200203_1515076167481556798064390.jpgmanager taking me out for lunch followed by a review over coffee. together, we discussed a lot about direction and devised an action plan to get me there. he saw me as one that could grow and take on a leadership position. he then asked me what were things i could improve on; i knew where it was going before he even finished his question. two things really stood out to him – he wanted me to be more confident and more decisive

self shamed

img_20200204_1832383224453623979262295.jpgi would be in a better place if only i could see eye to eye with this quote. getting bashed is something i’ve gotten too used to growing up. for years and years, i’ve always struggled with confidence, mainly self confidence. never came naturally and at times questioned if it even exists. i always thought of all my imperfections and in my mind i always had a vision of what perfect is. i thought i had found some latter part of last year when i was at my peak and everything felt well, but that has diminished. being a person that’s largely affected by other’s words, i take every put down personal. lately i’ve fallen depressed and almost ashamed of myself in so many ways. i wasn’t happy nor satisfied with my mental state, physique and features and even where i am within the society. i can’t be the perfect daughter, i can’t be the perfect girl, i can’t have the perfect job, i can’t have the perfect personality, i can’t have the perfect physique – i simply can’t be perfect. this self hate sucks because i would feel the need to purposely beat myself up or starve myself. losing sleep thinking over and over again what i need to get the self confidence back. it’s been a struggle learning to accept myself for who i am

day 1297 – where is it

img_20200204_1634398095597725676931528.jpgnot pleased that i just can’t find the determination i had when i was on top of my game. i’ve slipped far down and reality check startled me and no confidence took a big hit. i miss those days when i stayed focus on what i wanted. the hardest part is finding it and running with it. things will have to be different from here on because i can no longer tolerate my own lapse

building 2017

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2016 was one heck of a crazy roller coaster ride. the past twelve months gave me ample opportunities to experience more of what life is about. i found myself in the darkest moments where i shut myself off from the world, fluctations and eating problems ensued. i managed to dig deep with the support of my close ones, and got myself back together. nothing came easy as nothing worth achieving ever comes easy. behind closed doors, i fought many battles that no one knew about, but the most important thing is i never gave up on myself. i came to realization that i don’t want to remain stagnant and don’t want to remain the same so i took on some challenges. i defined what my goals were and was proactive in taking the necessary steps to get myself there. through the hard times i gained a lot of knowledge and strength that no doubt made a better me. it made me realize i’m much stronger than i think i am and need to get even stronger to withstand. i’m much closer to where i want to be but i’m not where i want to be yet. i’m still working on becoming the best version of myself

finished 2016 on a high note and looking to build a strong 2017 with bigger and more ambitious goals. it’s time to take it up a notch or even two and fulfill whatever my heart desires

  • stay as healthy and as injury-free as possible
  • train smarter and eat properly with sufficient sleep
  • be more disciplined and focused towards my goals
  • continue to work on my confidence level
  • love myself for who i am
  • communicate more with family and friends
  • explore the world and expand my horizon
  • attain supplementary diploma
  • appreciate being a workaholic, but also appreciate the little things
  • save up for the number game
  • revisit photography
  • do more of what sets my heart on fire

i’m pumped to make the next twelve months the best months i’ve ever had. find my strong. it’s now or never