day 1322 – transformation 

this is not a throwback thursday, but a random photo sifu sent me today and i thought it was funny but fitting. to a raw competitor of six years ago, when i also sparred at bc champ. i can’t keep track of how many competitions i have been to since then; it’s probably a good sign when i don’t. i miss the good old days when i had coaches to turn to, but now i, myself, have taken on that role and can only rely. on myself. still trying to grow into someone i could rely on. it’s a special day for lomo, but no time to celebrate

day 1313 – border crossing 

it’s been a good but tiring oregon trip with long drives to and from portland. on my way home after many hours spent in the car, long day of competition and irregular and malnutritioned meals. i’m content with the results and my personal performance and hope that this will get myself back on track. this might be what i needed to reinstate my mind and body to get the grind going again. now that the competition is behind me, i must gear down and focus because march will be a crazy month

day 1312 – team competitors 

competition day in portland came really quickly. i had low expectations going in because of what happened recently and the luck of poomsae draw didn’t help either. practice was sparse cause of the lack of time and the timing of injuries. i admit at times i didn’t try to make time to practice and even wanted to withdraw so i won’t disappoint anyone. i pulled together a gutsy performance today and took a gold and a satisfying bronze. i’m glad i was there to prove myself

silencing

the last week or two has been overtly stressful when i should be practicing but can’t. every waking hour means it’s closer to competition day, yet all i can do is feel hopelessly antsy and frustrated that i have to stay put. on top of that, i’ve been put under a lot of undue pressure to take on more than i already have. my plate is beyond full and i don’t know how i can possible pile more on without toppling over. the stress is making me lose sleep, lose appetite, lose my words and lose passion. being quiet is not a source of outlet, but i’m not sure if i’ll be understood even if i speak. who would actually relate to  how i feel and why?? as another competition nears, i just want to focus on that but looks like that’s too much to ask for. the pressure is once again getting to me and i feel less ready both physically and mentally. the pressure of expectations is both internal and external; i can’t bear to leave people disappointed and almost want to apologize prior to the event. this is really not the time to fold. i hate how i am weakest when i need to be the strongest. where do i search to find the strength to carry forward

day 1185 – woodburn night

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another early morning to check into the convention centre by 7am. both poomsae and sparring divisions had some high calibre athletes. after a full morning being at the competition, we went for an early italian dinner before hitting up woodburn. it was time to relax and do some shopping at the outlet, but the many sales made me quite anxious. there’s so much i want to buy, but i managed not to splurge on all my wants

day 1183 – lucky money

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got my good luck red pocket money, one from my parents and one from the grandmaster. i’m all packed up for a good weekend in oregon. i’ll be there to scout and chill with my teammates for first two days, then my competition begins on saturday. i’ll also take this time off as a break from everything, relax and enjoy the moment. it was difficult trying to fit all my stuff into one duffel and backpack. now time for a red-eye drive down to portland

day 1173 – no go

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concluded my month-long debate with a tough decision. my team was shocked with the news, but concerned about my well-being. i’m passing on president cup as i didn’t have enough training time to feel prepared for an international event. i do have every intention to compete at the grassroot competition on the same weekend; couldn’t pass up on both events because my heart wants to compete. there’s no way of hiding my disappointment. i felt so dejected there was no way i could get my head in it to practice today. perhaps when i wake up tomorrow morning, i might feel relieved that at least a decision was made. only time will heal both wounds