deadened

so much has surfaced i no longer think i can continue on. at times like this when a big life event takes place, is usually when the true self becomes apparent. the truth is, work, sleeps play, and all extracurricular activities are all of higher importance than going under the knife. it pains me to see the true colours revealed, but it’s necessary so i know not to have any more expectations. the day i was admitted into the hospital is the day i decided there’s nothing worth saving. i asked myself if i can accept the treatment and care i received, and sadly the answer was no. the bar that was set pretty low cannot be moved any lower. i deserve to be treated better and i know that day will come when i get the proper care. for the time being, i’m going to keep my cool and keep the words to myself because there’s no point in voicing what would never be understood. i can no longer hold everything inside of me; my mental, emotional, spiritual state of mind is dead. all i can do is shut all those down and smile to appear okay

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day 1550 – sad truth

what a turn of events in the past forty eight hours; the hours i wish never happened. can’t say i’m not thoroughly disappointed, but can’t let one disappointment dictate how i live. no matter how i move forward with life, i’ll make sure what i choose puts me as a priority. sad but true that those i least expect to care for me cares more than those i thought would take care of me. it’s quite clear with the choices made and the actions taken, or not taken. i found out where i stand – nowhere in comparison to the many activities. any day could be my last day; if today was, one thing i’d regret is settling even not having been treated properly