day 2451 – snowy disappointment

the forecast was correct as snow fell overnight. it wasn’t a whole lot, so i could still drive my mom’s car to work. i was hit with a bunch of disappointment at flipping tonight. what i felt in december came back again – i felt like i wasn’t getting the same support and learning opportunity. i’m pretty frustrated i’m not getting what i need to make progress. all i ever hear is i’m making progress, i’m missing technique; but i’m not getting any support or guidance as to how to fix that technique or what it is i need to do to get there. it’s the neglect and the constant empty promises that’s really getting to me. maybe my initial gut feeling was correct and i should pack it in because no one believes i can land anything anymore

day 2300 – calling my name

the platform and the barbell was taunting me as i walked across. i couldn’t help myself but to stop and try my hands at some cleans today. i didn’t get very far in weight, but i think it was smart for me to stay within a reasonable range. my foot was a little uncomfortable at times just going through some of the motions, but i managed and didn’t do any further damages. step by step i’m testing the limits of my foot and hoping my full return to sports can happen sooner rather than later. being on the disabled list has sucked and staying patient has never been one of my forte

day 1853 – back to flight

trust me i was feeling butterflies even in my veins straggling into the gym not knowing how my body will handle all the movements i’m about to do. aside from a few pieces of new equipment, everything about the place remained the same. i didn’t accomplish a whole lot, but getting through the class was an accomplishment within itself. i felt pleased that i had the guts to go head over heels on my first day back. i’ll take what i’m given for as long as my body takes to settle in. didn’t want to push it too hard and just want to be back tricking and flipping. i know that everything will start to click with time and repetition, but in the mean time it’s just putting in the work. work hard for what i want, but stay patient enough for what i’ve always wanted

day 1559 – occupational therapy 

walking into the hand therapy clinic made me feel inferior, maybe because of the ghetto apparatuses, maybe because i was outnumbered by elderlies. therapist did a few tests before i soaked my hand in a so called whirlpool. dipped my hand in a pot of wax before she started manipulating it in ways that was utmost uncomfortable. the passive force was tender at the shattered joint and the connecting soft tissue. i was told the improvement is promising, but also reminded me my bone was broken in pieces that also involved a joint. as such, there will be complications and requires much more patience from me

day 1420 – disconnect 

img_20200203_1331094659336958733890536.jpgthere’s no change since. the fact that i still feel alone hasn’t changed. it makes me wonder what difference it makes being in a relationship. i still feel i am on my own. has it gotten too comfortable to the point where communication can be so sparse and the disconnect can be so big?? i don’t have a lot of needs and i don’t demand for much, maybe that’s why i get pushed aside and pushed down in priorities. i try to sweep it under the rug but i can’t help noticing my patience that something will turn around is declining. holding on might not be the thing to do anymore

fulfilment

img_20200204_2259236988350126470173169.jpgheaving a ten tonne rock off my shoulders is an appropriate representation as i haven’t felt so relieved in far too long. it may not mean anything to others, but to me, no words can describe how much receiving that call means to me. for the past year, i struggled to find myself, to accept myself and to be myself. i would hate myself for never being good enough at everything and for anything, often had internal war within. i went though down times that caused eating problems which consequently wrecked my body in too many ways. i bottled up all my problems and feelings, and avoided sensitive topics at all costs. it got to the point where i lost interest in a lot of things and wanted to confine myself in my own space so i didn’t have to talk. at last i opened up to a selected few; i need not to mention any names as you know who you are. i’m thankful that while i was going through my wildest and worst times, you came to the rescue and stood by me. thank you for being patient with me when i was going through some of the roughest times. for piecing me together and keeping me together when i was self destructing. for not rushing me to become something i wasn’t ready to become. for supporting me to find what i truly wanted. for accepting me with open arms and caressing me when i needed you most. it’s you that kept me afloat and a good reason why i’m still alive and striving to this day. through this process i’ve learned an abundance of things –  it’s okay to have weak moments but i’ve learned to be strong. many times i thought i had turned the corner, only to stumbled back in. today i can safely and assertively say i have found my way out of this gigantic hole, and i will only move forward in the direction i’ve always wanted to go but didn’t dare to go. i have a very good reason to smile as i’m leaving everything behind and starting my new episode fresh. i have found myself and i’ll be chasing whatever fulfills my heart

day 1168 – nailed it

img_20200204_2157333082062604691708479.jpgi felt good when i tested my back two days ago, so i’m going for more. i said i wanted to be back in the one plate club so i went and got it – without extra pain. i had to scale my activities and exercises down considerably for two months and was shut down from almost everything for the past three weeks, but i think i finally see the light again. i’m stoked to get back into the thick of things, but i’ll still take it step by step. also very pleased that my midterm was extremely well done, although there’s one mark i shouldn’t have lost