day 2268 – sky fallen

it feels like the world just crashed on me. i wish my first instinct was incorrect, but i’m pretty certain i’ve just torn my other retinaculum during the battle. it was a bad judgment on my part – i shouldn’t have tried to sync the cartwheel back tuck and should just went for it on my own. now my everything is in jeopardy and i can’t help by think that my hopes and dreams of competing or even tricking in general could all be over. it hurts thinking not even reconstructive surgery can be a solution and all i can do is keep waiting and hope there’s a chance it will heal itself to a usable state. no one truly understands the physical pain i’m going through at the moment, and definitely don’t understand how much this hinders me in all the things i do and love doing. i just know i’m not ready to say goodbye to any of those things

day 1887 – envisioning

maybe it’s not a bad idea to take up presale condo shopping as a new hobby. making myself comfortable and envisioning my soon to be new home. i’ve been eyeing multiple developments and wanting to invest in one for quite some time, but i have some more saving to do before i can hold down a unit. definitely made some progress over the last little while, but better sit down and strategize how it can be sped up to make my dream become a reality

living through my falls

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it’s unbelievable how fast things could change and how far things could fall. outside my shell, it’s hard to tell i have lived through two very rough weeks. but beneath my shell, my life felt very close to the “underworld”, filled with mayhem that’s got me feeling rocking bottom. the descend started off with a week long fever, cough then cold. i couldn’t muster much activity during this time; i was bed ridden and under endless medication majority of the time. my body felt weak as ever; all the ground i’ve gained has been lost, and deep down i felt even worse about myself because i couldn’t do anything to change it. luckily, i had a personal nurse that took care of me and almost felt more concerned about my health than i ever was. just as i was recovering from sickness, the nightmare hit me hard – literally. ever since being struck at dodgeball playoffs, i felt like i was living in a really bad dream. having a concussion is scary because everything felt out of whack. my head and neck were throbbing, my movements were slowed, my speech and thoughts were disoriented, my appetite was affected – the bottom line is, i wasn’t able to function like my normal self. what made it difficult was i couldn’t tell people what i was going through nor could i disclose the severity fearing they will not let me continue with my upcoming events which means so much to me. i’m feeling slightly better with each passing day and a week after the incident, i can safely say recovery seems like it’s on course. thankful mo has been by my side during this rough span. just having his presence makes things better and gives me the inspiration to think on the bright side even when times get tough. i’ve fallen very far down and lost a lot of the gains i’ve been working hard at, but now is really not the time to hang my head. i’m not okay with myself and my performance in it’s current stage, so i’m going to make it right. i must get it together and make up that ground in a hurry. it won’t be easy, but it will be done

day 930 – head tangled

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this is what happens when my mind is not there while i am trying to do box jumps. carelessly doing things while i am physically present but mentally absent. my brain just hasn’t been able to focus on the tasks at hand because all the stresses are getting to me. why are there so many obstacles, conditions and road blocks separating me and my desires. it’s a bad sign when i am slowly beginning to believe me and my dreams were not meant to be

day 865 – emergencies

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spending sunday morning at mount saint joseph emergency wasn’t the plan but it happened. woke up uber early to door crash the hospital and still had to spend over two hours taking xrays to find out my finger fracture is still inconclusive. the doctor gave me a splint and told me to take more xrays next week. i tend to disobey medical instructions so i would much rather not wear it, and still trying to think of alternatives to get out of this splint cause it’s very restricting to my activities. if it’s indeed fractured or severely injured, i’d feel super deflated cause i can’t afford to take time off training. this would be a huge blow to me and my dreams at the most inopportune time

resolution series: [five] follow your dreams

imagethere comes a time when self doubts and uncertainties creep into your mind and you wonder if what you are doing is the best thing. unlike math, there is no formula in life that calculates and spits out values or absolute answers of what is the best for you. as long as you do what your heart desires, it is the right thing to do. i feel like the last little while my life has been a roller coaster ride, sometimes soaring sky high and other times simply free falling. recently, i have been in limbo whether i have lost track of what i am doing and if that is still where my interest lies. i don’t want to be endlessly chasing something just because someone said i have to or just doing it for the sake of doing it. been putting a lot of thought into finding all the answers to what i really value, what i want to achieve in life, what i want to be known for, what legacy i want to leave behind and ultimately what path i want to take. i have gotten answers in some aspects, but i still have much to figure out. i understand these money answers will not come overnight because no one will ever have it crystal clear in its entirety and it is something one will take a lifetime to find out. john lennon once said, “everything will be okay. if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” as long as i am progressing, i will let everything come to me and take it one step at a time, one answer at a time. stay true to yourself and don’t be afraid to follow your heart, follow your dreams. it also happens to be my motto i live by

reality in the making

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ever had those dreams where when you wake up you don’t recall much of what happened or only recall fragmented pieces that doesn’t link up?? those temporary dreams that don’t make a lasting impression are not of my concern. when a dream worth achieving, it is a dream worth working for. a timely post to remind myself about discipline and self control because i have been doing poorly in that regard as of late. i guess that’s what separates dreams from reality and the mediocres and the good. thanks for always nudging me back on track when i start straying, reminding me the importance of the game plan and forever pushing me to do better. although sometimes it’s pretty brutal the way you put it, and you make me feel a little more useless than i need to. it is that guilt trip that lets me know i am not doing it right, that i can always do better. it takes a lot of commitment to make a dream into reality but once i put my mind to it, its reality in the making