sun run v3. 0

img_20200130_2203344295322358481492748.jpgthe sun run did not come stress-free nor pain-free. when i registered, i was in it to get my personal best time. prior to beginning any training, i wanted a finish in the fifties. as the months passed by, my confidence wavered, but i was still hoping for a sub sixty finish. as the final week rolled around, i knew i was in trouble. my knee cap was busted after taking a diving stab at the ball during handball, and i couldn’t walk without it being taped. i probably shouldn’t even be participating in the race; wasn’t sure if i could cover ten kilometre, let alone run it. when it’s all said and done, my third sun run was in the books. considering that made me sit out all week in hopes to preserve everything i had left in that knee, i did more than survive. it was more than a challenging character building for myself, not only because cardio had always been my weak point, but also for the condition i had to deal with. no, i didn’t make my sub sixty goal, and i’m not disappointed. i could’ve easily taken the easy route and backed out, i could have walked it, but i chose neither. my hour and three minutes finish was good for second in the company team. i kept up a good pace and ran continuously for the first five kilometres before any short stints of walking. at the end i still had some left in the tank to sprint through the finish line. i was tired, but felt susprisely good post ten kilometres. once again it’s proof about my character; if i set my mind to something, i won’t give up easily or back down from any challenges. i’m grateful for those who ran alongside me, who chose to give me words of encouragement even when i looked a little down and out. now that it’s all said and done, i will visit my physio to fix my knee before i decided on what challenges to take on next

due time

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from the beginning of the calendar year, i have taken stride after strides in terms of personal growth. as per usual, i set some goals for myself, some more bold than normal. what stands out is how my work performance has changed and how much my role in the company has evolved. i’m grateful to be one of the five that my manager has identified to take on the emerging leaders coaching program. my manager has offloaded a lot of things onto my plate; it’s stressful but i’m proving i can handle all that. each time i prove myself capable, i gain more trust. i welcome all the new and bigger responsibilities because that’s the direction i want to move towards. while majority has been moving in the positive, there are some that’s lagging behind. some things aren’t coming by as easily as i had drawn out, and that’s consumed a bit of frustration over the last little while. i haven’t been seeing the results i thought i would have, but i am to be blamed for i haven’t put enough effort into that aspect. i do feel my discipline has slipped so i’ll need to tighten up in that regard. i’ve done some self evaluation and i’m going to keep going because i’m a believer that it’s only a matter of time before i start achieving. i may appear to have it all down pat in other’s eyes, but to me, i set the bar high for myself and i’m far from where i want to be. being my harshest critic is who i usually am and that only means i have nowhere to go but up

reflecting reality

img_20200203_1427116914704068731384794.jpghighschool really did feel like just yesterday. just like majority of highschoolers, i graduated and went onto university thinking i had it planned for the rest of my life. truth is, that thought couldn’t have been any more incorrect and far from reality. i went on to graduate just like how my parents had mapped it out, with an honours degree in environmental design. after a bachelor, i was suppose to do my masters of architecture and become a fully licensed architect. that never happened because acceptance rate was one in ten. i took a brief break but have been working since then. my point is, life is far from how i had imagined it straight out of highschool. i’ve chosen a less traveled career path unlike the stereotypical asian jobs. i’ve believed that my friends circle will remain unchanged. i’ve been misled that i’d meet someone who would treat me like a destination. i’ve learned that growing up requires unlearning the learned. it’s been a struggle as i continue to walk down this path establishing myself as a professional and finding where i truly belong. the start of the year has been really good to me; working my butt off has earned me respect within my peers. i’ve climbed the work ladder real quick liked my manager forewarned, and as a result have been delegated a lot more responsibilities. nothing was given to me; i had to step up and grasp all the windows of opportunities. because of the obstacles and challenges i overcame, i have become the strong woman i am today. i’m not where i want to be yet, but with my grit drive and determination, i’m have full confidence i will make my dreams a reality. i’m on a mission to finding myself and finding my strong. this is where it all starts and where everything will come together for me

deadened

img_20200203_1459105415671469236591238.jpgso much has surfaced i no longer think i can continue on. at times like this when a big life event takes place, is usually when the true self becomes apparent. the truth is, work, sleeps play, and all extracurricular activities are all of higher importance than going under the knife. it pains me to see the true colours revealed, but it’s necessary so i know not to have any more expectations. the day i was admitted into the hospital is the day i decided there’s nothing worth saving. i asked myself if i can accept the treatment and care i received, and sadly the answer was no. the bar that was set pretty low cannot be moved any lower. i deserve to be treated better and i know that day will come when i get the proper care. for the time being, i’m going to keep my cool and keep the words to myself because there’s no point in voicing what would never be understood. i can no longer hold everything inside of me; my mental, emotional, spiritual state of mind is dead. all i can do is shut all those down and smile to appear okay

self shamed

img_20200204_1832383224453623979262295.jpgi would be in a better place if only i could see eye to eye with this quote. getting bashed is something i’ve gotten too used to growing up. for years and years, i’ve always struggled with confidence, mainly self confidence. never came naturally and at times questioned if it even exists. i always thought of all my imperfections and in my mind i always had a vision of what perfect is. i thought i had found some latter part of last year when i was at my peak and everything felt well, but that has diminished. being a person that’s largely affected by other’s words, i take every put down personal. lately i’ve fallen depressed and almost ashamed of myself in so many ways. i wasn’t happy nor satisfied with my mental state, physique and features and even where i am within the society. i can’t be the perfect daughter, i can’t be the perfect girl, i can’t have the perfect job, i can’t have the perfect personality, i can’t have the perfect physique – i simply can’t be perfect. this self hate sucks because i would feel the need to purposely beat myself up or starve myself. losing sleep thinking over and over again what i need to get the self confidence back. it’s been a struggle learning to accept myself for who i am

diminishing return

img_20200204_1832142982780415946048256.jpgi take pride in what i’m capable of and the steps towards progression. i get that not everyone will appreciate accomplishments the same way. i’ve been on the receiving end of far too many discrediting comments that has no sentimental value. it would be nice to pay respect for my abilities when due instead of always heaving knit picky deconstructive criticism. leave it behind if it’s all negativity with no good intent; just don’t expect any in return. i’ve been disappointed that communication has been sparse and lacking lately. understanding the busy schedule that we run, there’s no reason to have no contact or replies until well after the fact. i no longer want to force anything so i’ll respond when i’m asked, otherwise i’ll stay behind the scenes and mind my own business. it’s kind of taken some of the joy out, but at least i’m not talking to myself. these are the little things that show a lot. life is a two way street and i’m a true believer in what you give is what you get in return. my patience isn’t unlimited so i won’t continually give knowing there’s nothing in the other direction

feelings or not

img_20200204_1835507134209773299313378.jpgthrough the years of breaking and mending myself, i can confirm that pain tolerance is something i’m well developed with. it’s as if people assume i either don’t have feelings to show for or my feelings don’t matter regardless. people often don’t see how damaging words can be; only the person on the receiving end can truly feel the impact. i can confirm that i’ve trained myself to not have feelings because even if i once had, it should be defected by now. i learned that i will never voice my displeasure and not show any emotions even when i’m clearly uncomfortable taking them in. my emotions are kept in the safest place beneath the impermeable layers . i’m constantly being reminded that no matter what i do, nothing will be good enough because their perceptions will always remain. i guess some just finds pleasure in making others feel bad and undeserving; and they’ve succeeded to ingrain that in me on many different levels. whatever their intentions are, if saying such things satisfies their needs, so be it because being selfless is something i strive for. when negative comments are fired, all i have to do is deactivate what’s left of my feelings and everything will be okay

silencing

img_20200204_1831154913789582023573000.jpgthe last week or two has been overtly stressful when i should be practicing but can’t. every waking hour means it’s closer to competition day, yet all i can do is feel hopelessly antsy and frustrated that i have to stay put. on top of that, i’ve been put under a lot of undue pressure to take on more than i already have. my plate is beyond full and i don’t know how i can possible pile more on without toppling over. the stress is making me lose sleep, lose appetite, lose my words and lose passion. being quiet is not a source of outlet, but i’m not sure if i’ll be understood even if i speak. who would actually relate to  how i feel and why?? as another competition nears, i just want to focus on that but looks like that’s too much to ask for. the pressure is once again getting to me and i feel less ready both physically and mentally. the pressure of expectations is both internal and external; i can’t bear to leave people disappointed and almost want to apologize prior to the event. this is really not the time to fold. i hate how i am weakest when i need to be the strongest. where do i search to find the strength to carry forward

believe myself

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i told myself time after time that i wouldn’t spill because i shouldn’t let any negativity ruin my holiday mood, and then things happened again which really put me over the top. people never realize how much crap i take from others. i take them in like a sponge, but it never dissipates. i just bury my emotions deep inside so no one can see; hidden so well others forget i have feelings, so well sometimes i forget too. i brush it off like it doesn’t hurt but it does. i just wished people were a little more sensitive with their comments and actions.  my silence just means i chose to hold my thoughts in, but the feeling of disconnect and exclusion still exists. it hurts assumptions were made without understanding how hard i worked. those who haven’t seen me at my worst have no idea what i’ve gone through and what it was like to get here. don’t look down upon me and make presumptions that i’m not good enough. i’ve worked far too hard for anyone to tell me otherwise. i learned that even when i’m belittled, i’ll still believe in myself because i’ve proven i can stand alone. sometimes a little consideration goes a long way because never underestimate the power of the little things that make a big difference

 

fulfilment

img_20200204_2259236988350126470173169.jpgheaving a ten tonne rock off my shoulders is an appropriate representation as i haven’t felt so relieved in far too long. it may not mean anything to others, but to me, no words can describe how much receiving that call means to me. for the past year, i struggled to find myself, to accept myself and to be myself. i would hate myself for never being good enough at everything and for anything, often had internal war within. i went though down times that caused eating problems which consequently wrecked my body in too many ways. i bottled up all my problems and feelings, and avoided sensitive topics at all costs. it got to the point where i lost interest in a lot of things and wanted to confine myself in my own space so i didn’t have to talk. at last i opened up to a selected few; i need not to mention any names as you know who you are. i’m thankful that while i was going through my wildest and worst times, you came to the rescue and stood by me. thank you for being patient with me when i was going through some of the roughest times. for piecing me together and keeping me together when i was self destructing. for not rushing me to become something i wasn’t ready to become. for supporting me to find what i truly wanted. for accepting me with open arms and caressing me when i needed you most. it’s you that kept me afloat and a good reason why i’m still alive and striving to this day. through this process i’ve learned an abundance of things –  it’s okay to have weak moments but i’ve learned to be strong. many times i thought i had turned the corner, only to stumbled back in. today i can safely and assertively say i have found my way out of this gigantic hole, and i will only move forward in the direction i’ve always wanted to go but didn’t dare to go. i have a very good reason to smile as i’m leaving everything behind and starting my new episode fresh. i have found myself and i’ll be chasing whatever fulfills my heart