day 1832 – skippy breakfast

making my skippy breakfast at the office on bc monday. the office was quiet for optional statutory swap day but i opted to work. it’s actually nice since i’d have time to myself without interruptions from meetings, phone calls and emails. perfect time to knock off my timesheet and the many undone items on my overloaded plate. my work priority list always get shuffle because everything we that comes in are always tabbed as important and urgent

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day 1562 – quiet zone

spacious parking this morning as my side of the office was very quiet today. many people are out somewhere either at tradeshows or off for the long weekend. rumour has it i’m good at handling myself and doing my own work, but much too quiet especially as of late. they told me talking more to express myself will help unclutter things off my and and my head. there are just things i’d rather keep inside than burden others. these are the things only i’ll understand

 

a nobody

it’s not without reason that i have been eerily quiet about me and my life the past month. piecing together scattering thoughts, i have identified the main cause and finally come to reveal what’s going on. those who don’t know me may think it’s just mood swings, but it’s not. i have just quietly kept everything trapped inside and reserved all my feelings because i felt like a nobody. i felt like the relationship is no longer what it used to be. every time i see what this pair at the gym can do with each other, i can’t help when some enviousness creep in. the way they could be so down to earth and so supportive. and over the course of the weeks and months, i could see she’s feeding off of his support and making the gains of her fitness journey. i know not everyone envisions the same relationship goals, that’s just one of mine. tons of questions and uncertainties as to what the priorities really were. there’s been a lot of tears and negative thoughts going through my mind that i cannot slay. the nights were painful, the loneliness was strong and the darkness was enduring. for the last several weeks, i was under a lot of pressure where it got so much that i would unknowingly feel tears roll down when i’m idling alone at night. stupidly thinking that if i keep suppressing my feelings, it would eventually end. it obviously didn’t and weighed me down day after day. i couldnt hold it down any longer and finally erupted last night. the situation may not change overnight or change at all, but steps are required. at least i put it out there so mo know how i felt and what’s making me depressed. i don’t have a dependent persona, but maybe i need to be more independent than i already am

day 1391 – stat work

the office was as empty as the roads were during rush hour today. the office was quiet on a statutory holiday but the increased productivity was much needed for my friday deadline. feeling unrested and uneasy all week long because all i can think about is my teammates flying off to nationals; i should be with them, but i’m not. i’ve been using many things to numb my feelings and emotions until something can act as sleeping pills. work is one of them and i keep being my workaholic self to not allow myself any down time so i don’t end my night in tears

day 1370 – handling business

the scope of work i do is often done behind the scenes and not always seen, but i take pride in what i do and doing my job well. my manager shared something with me today that i never expected. apparently my coworkers have been impressed with the way i’ve handled myself and quietly gone about my business. it’s great to be singled out and appreciated for what i do. i think i’m holding myself fine and i’m more than happy to step it up when opportunity arises

silencing

the last week or two has been overtly stressful when i should be practicing but can’t. every waking hour means it’s closer to competition day, yet all i can do is feel hopelessly antsy and frustrated that i have to stay put. on top of that, i’ve been put under a lot of undue pressure to take on more than i already have. my plate is beyond full and i don’t know how i can possible pile more on without toppling over. the stress is making me lose sleep, lose appetite, lose my words and lose passion. being quiet is not a source of outlet, but i’m not sure if i’ll be understood even if i speak. who would actually relate to  how i feel and why?? as another competition nears, i just want to focus on that but looks like that’s too much to ask for. the pressure is once again getting to me and i feel less ready both physically and mentally. the pressure of expectations is both internal and external; i can’t bear to leave people disappointed and almost want to apologize prior to the event. this is really not the time to fold. i hate how i am weakest when i need to be the strongest. where do i search to find the strength to carry forward

self discovery

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it was more or less a self-wrecking week with so many internal and external forces pushing up against me. it was all a combination of stress from competition, school, work, people but none more so than myself. the road has not been easy as i have felt myself slowly dying inside but i didn’t want to confront and address it. it hurts to know that leakage of my stresses was stressing out others. no one has a clue what is going on in my head and it’s probably better kept that way. i’m disappointed at myself for not handling myself better and keeping my emotions a little tighter. the last thing i want is to be a burden to anyone and add unncessary flavour to anyone; i made up my mind that interacting less and speaking less will be helpful. i felt safe that way just to eliminate any chance of doing or saying the wrong things. sometimes i wonder why i need feelings when i’m better off without them. during this time, i spent some time reading quotes and looking for inspiration to get me through this stretch. i’m already at a point of self-destruction, there’s nowhere else to go but up. i know i’m strong enough to get through these ruts, and in case i’m not, i need to find a way to become stronger. i do believe i’ll find my way out and the better is on its way