a nobody

it’s not without reason that i have been eerily quiet about me and my life the past month. piecing together scattering thoughts, i have identified the main cause and finally come to reveal what’s going on. those who don’t know me may think it’s just mood swings, but it’s not. i have just quietly kept everything trapped inside and reserved all my feelings because i felt like a nobody. i felt like the relationship is no longer what it used to be. every time i see what this pair at the gym can do with each other, i can’t help when some enviousness creep in. the way they could be so down to earth and so supportive. and over the course of the weeks and months, i could see she’s feeding off of his support and making the gains of her fitness journey. i know not everyone envisions the same relationship goals, that’s just one of mine. tons of questions and uncertainties as to what the priorities really were. there’s been a lot of tears and negative thoughts going through my mind that i cannot slay. the nights were painful, the loneliness was strong and the darkness was enduring. for the last several weeks, i was under a lot of pressure where it got so much that i would unknowingly feel tears roll down when i’m idling alone at night. stupidly thinking that if i keep suppressing my feelings, it would eventually end. it obviously didn’t and weighed me down day after day. i couldnt hold it down any longer and finally erupted last night. the situation may not change overnight or change at all, but steps are required. at least i put it out there so mo know how i felt and what’s making me depressed. i don’t have a dependent persona, but maybe i need to be more independent than i already am

day 1479 – lightly


with the way my life has been lately, today brought a slight smile that i haven’t seen or felt in weeks. got the nod from the chiro as long as i promise to keep it light and away from his nono list. went through all my big lifts but at most seventy percent of what i usually do. everything within my execution felt fine except for the bench. still no olympic lifts, plyos, overheards, nor ballistic movement, but just being back brought a smile to my face

day 1336 – lounge seats

my enjoyment the one hundred level lounge seats stopped short of the end of third period when i was startled by some news. finishing the game was the least of my worries as i rushed home to find out what’s been happening all day. i’m really concerned and i’m scared, but i mustn’t show it because my mom needs me to be strong at a time like this. i can’t show any signs of weakness because i need to be there for her to hold the ship together 

day 1245 – disc pistol

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i rolled my eyes when i was first introduced to pistols three years ago because i didn’t think i could. i was in for a big surprise today  when i found out i mastered the weighted disc pistol. i’m very happy this was unlocked at my morning appointment today. i have no idea how many times i watched and rewatched this clip. of course, this all happened prior to being treated by the physio when he forcefully adjusted my knees and rearranged my back and ribs that’s still preventing me from cleans

day 1220 – flexi

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going through my routine and flexing a little on friday night. it’s been a while since i last went through this program, but i didn’t want to deload nor do i have the patience. gym time has suffered a great deal and i only have restricted times that i can go, but i will make it happen. i went ham tonight; the soreness is already hitting me hard as i’m already have trouble walking

day 1213 – chasing two plates

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dragged my butt out of bed early this morning to door crash for my new fitbit. four days removed from the gym, and it’s driving me crazy. i haven’t moved enough since and needed to get my workout in no matter dizzy or groggy. getting through my usual sets of exercises were tough but expected, a few times i did feel my head was spinning. my power cleans felt out of sync but that didn’t come to surprise me because i felt weakened. knowing so, i stepped down on some poundage on most exercises, all except for my deads. i’m shocked of the progress of my deads as i’m one step closer to making the two plate club

day 1211 – on the line

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a weary week it has been with added stress and commotion. i’ve handled them myself to the best of my ability and dealt with them with a sense of urgency. i live through my passion that others may not see value or significance in. no one will understand how and why some things can impact me so much, but i’ll keep fighting for what i believe in and hope that one day they see it too. extremely relieved that i completed some tests and great to see that i can be a contender too; glad to know i’m wanted somewhere. i’m proud that i’m strong enough to stick with it