day 2417 – webster night

stayed for open gym after the killarney session. in the final half hour of open gym, i worked a lot on my failing websters. i received tips and pointers and eventually found something that seemed to work for me. i did a bunch at the end to make sure i wouldn’t forget the tips and tweaks that made it work for me. it seems to be heading in the right direction and i’m told it’s close with the better landings on blue mat. i wonder when it’d be time to land one on floor, i don’t have much more patience left working on this

day 2415 – phone spam

waited well after class until all other classes and students dissipated so we could have some space and equipment to work with. during the wait, we had fun trying out the vlogger life by spamming photos and videos on someone’s unattended phone. sadly neither my back tuck nor any of my kicks felt good today. i did get a chance at the very end to work on my webster and aerial takeoff. i’m still ashamed i don’t get it and i can’t tell if i’m making progress with it

day 2411 – discouragements

sometimes i may show nothing on the surface, but deep inside i’m just discouraged and hurt. i couldn’t contain myself when i got home at night because it’s hard to accept i still have yet to get my webster and flash despite all the time and energy spent on it since november. it’s hard to swallow that everyone is improving so much quicker and here i am still working on the same thing time after time, still being told to be patient when i can no longer be patient. sometimes i wonder why i’m still going in to work on it when nothing is going to change. i don’t want to be the hard worker that gets nothing done

day 2387 – raiz-ing

in class working on raiz this week and i feel like it’s a move i can have. after class time, i worked on some cartwheel back and i finally leveled up and started from airtrack into blue. i think i crossed the bridge by being able to do it on my own and get around to my feet. my backside 900 is also coming together and feeling much better than weeks ago. i think i’ll try to throw it into a combo next time. it’d be nice to eventually put all four moves together

day 2376 – not deserving

i felt like crap after training because i simply couldn’t replicate and connect my cartwheel with anything going backwards. i wanted help but no chance because he’s too focused helping one person. left the gym disappointed beating myself up. i didn’t deserve to eat so i went straight home so i wouldn’t tear up in front of people. whenever i don’t do what i need to, i would punish myself with no food because eating needs to be earned

day 2373 – rutted

i’ve had far too many nose blows the past few months. the amount of times i stay awake being sad and discouraged far exceeds the times i not. i’m so tired of it; the feeling of quitting happens every other day. i’m not okay being neglected, left alone to fail and self destruct while some get the full on instructions. it hurts me that i show up to classes and open gyms ready to learn, ready to land my next move, but i’m clearly not their priority because they’ve got their ‘pokemon’ to train. i don’t deserve this and it hurts me so much inside more than words can explain

day 2364 – phone hijacked

whipped out my phone to film how my current back tucks look like. i left my phone for a bit and so many of these photos appeared in my album. my back tucks are looking more ‘complete’; it certainly evolved a lot since the first ones. the confidence and consistency has improved tremendously and the landing is a slightly softer and more controlled. i’m still working on my set to get more height in this flip so i can have an even softer landing which would be easier on my ankles