day 1553 – splint change 

third time into hand clinic and fourth set of xrays taken within twenty four days. new specialist has taken over my case and i’m still confused with how i’ll be treated. he wasted no time; i get a new splint made right away and hand therapy begins. she assigned four exercises which i had plenty of trouble doing on my first set. i’m instructed these were to be done minimum five times a day. by the end of the day i made much improvement with two of them, but still struggling with the other two. these are very basic motor skills that i’ve lost made me feel useless. i can only hope that if i keep at it, it will get better day by day

day 1552 – going for spin


it’s funny the one was only one good hand gets asked to sit behind the wheel and act as the valet. going for spin in my coworkers new wheels during lunch break. good to see that the parts of my new desktop has arrived and i’m fully running on new hardware. it means it can handle 3ds renders and do cooler things. everyday at work is busy and it’s only going to get busier as i continue to try to grow into a bigger role. soon it won’t be just staying extra hours but also going in for overtime

day 1551 – atp basel 

in the wake of a heart breaking day that made me think the unsaid disappointment was the final deal breaker i’d allow for. i should really be getting more sleep during my recovery period, but waking up early for tennis is well worth it when it’s a federer match. he’s truly amazing to watch as he pulled through for an impressive eighth title at basel. i am also hoping to save up enough money soon enough to watch him play in person one day. i already missed out the opportunity to watch andy roddick live, i really don’t want to miss a second chance

deadened

img_20200203_1459105415671469236591238.jpgso much has surfaced i no longer think i can continue on. at times like this when a big life event takes place, is usually when the true self becomes apparent. the truth is, work, sleeps play, and all extracurricular activities are all of higher importance than going under the knife. it pains me to see the true colours revealed, but it’s necessary so i know not to have any more expectations. the day i was admitted into the hospital is the day i decided there’s nothing worth saving. i asked myself if i can accept the treatment and care i received, and sadly the answer was no. the bar that was set pretty low cannot be moved any lower. i deserve to be treated better and i know that day will come when i get the proper care. for the time being, i’m going to keep my cool and keep the words to myself because there’s no point in voicing what would never be understood. i can no longer hold everything inside of me; my mental, emotional, spiritual state of mind is dead. all i can do is shut all those down and smile to appear okay

beyoncé – if i were a boy

it makes me sad listening to this, but it also resembles the current. a lot goes to show that i’ve been taken for granted. it’s true that a guy will never understand what damages they make with a little mistake. once done it can’t be undone, once not done it cannot be made up for. i’ve lost all hope in making this a meaningful relationship if i can’t feel any care or support. i can’t make you better and i don’t want to change a person, but i have an option to move on. this really is the last of it and maybe one day, it’ll finally click

day 1550 – sad truth

what a turn of events in the past forty eight hours; the hours i wish never happened. can’t say i’m not thoroughly disappointed, but can’t let one disappointment dictate how i live. no matter how i move forward with life, i’ll make sure what i choose puts me as a priority. sad but true that those i least expect to care for me cares more than those i thought would take care of me. it’s quite clear with the choices made and the actions taken, or not taken. i found out where i stand – nowhere in comparison to the many activities. any day could be my last day; if today was, one thing i’d regret is settling even not having been treated properly

day 1549 – surgery reversed

i was prepared to spend my day here and walk out with metal inserts. did all sorts of tests, hooked up to machines, confirmed anesthetics, then the surgeon came and said he didn’t believe he could make it any better with a metal plate. i’m more than slightly confused with the turn of events; i don’t have a choice but to follow his plan of action of treatments at his clinic. after four or five hours of checkups and a few holes, i was discharged without being operated on. hospital aside, the transparency at one of my major life event is unacceptable and more than a red flag. i think i’ll forever remember this day as the day my heart broke

day 1548 – hand specialist 


i know my way around the clinic the second time around and the same radiologist helped me take another batch of xrays. the bad news couldn’t get any worse each batch as the ones taken today shows my bone is now displaced and not in the right place. with that, the specialist decided surgery will take place tomorrow and i’ll be opened to do one of the two possible procedures. the news hit me hard, so stunned i wasn’t able to collect any of my emotions to react or think. the rest of the day was a blur because i felt completely empty inside with no feelings, no appetite, no motivation and none of anything. i beared all that burden alone as if i’ve always been alone from the start. i finally cried well into the evening and i’m glad i did; i found out at least i have emotions. i’m not scared of the procedure, but the thought of having something inserted in me makes me not me

day 1547 – lorraine replicas 

i came out to complete team lorraine as part of the dress up halloween wednesday. all i had to do with show up and my teammates brought the props to me. i know that i’ll always have my obyf teammates cheering me on, even when i’m the one on the sideline. their support for me and the team spirit they bring has been a difference maker during my coping time. i can’t wait to be back on the court with these neon guys, but i fear my chances of returning before this season ends is slim

day 1546 – lost craves

i’m dropping weight since i’ve gone inactive, not a bad thing as it saves me the hassle of cutting so maybe i won’t always be called fat. i’m looking to drop some more while i have a legit reason to restrain myself the calories. knowing that, i consciously haven’t had much of an appetite the past few weeks. muscles mass is taking a hit without the work i do at the gym. my body is in a confused stage and is in worse condition than normal cause it’s not used to not being used. my body just isn’t use to not taking a beating and without it, i still manage to misalign things