day 1506 – grandma’s arm

my grandma is over ninety but probably healthier than me even before i turned nineteen. rarely has she made my family worry, but today i received bad news that she broke her arm from a fall. i’m worried that she’s suffering in pain, that she can’t take care of herself, that she wants my father by her side. she needs to go through a procedure and what she needs most is care that i cannot provide her. i just can’t rest easy knowing what she is going through and can only wish i could take it for her

day 1471 – waking up

i am getting more irritated and more concerned waking up every morning feeling like a train hit me. i can’t move my neck to look down at the ground and cringe every time i need go bend over. these restrictions isn’t working for me and it’s only a matter of time before i explode. there’s so much i hate about my life at this point because it doesn’t allow me to move or play at will and i’m simply dying from gym withdrawal

day 1470 – the mopes 

this is the time when i don’t want to have feelings because i only feel pain. it’s atypical for me to complain about pain and let the pain affect my life, but this is not normal when i can’t even move my head to look down or rotate my torso to get up. not quite sure what the hell is going on with my body besides life being hell right now. it’s frustrating me so much if affects the entirety of my life at the moment

day 1434 – laying low

the work hours crept by so slowly but at least i was trying to work. at times i still felt dizzy with headache and wished that it wasn’t only wednesday. multiple body parts are wrecked and needs more rest than i will ever give it. surprisingly able to pry myself away from the gym and even decided against dodgeball. instead i spent the evening doing some overdue tedious calculations, paperwork and catchup

silencing

the last week or two has been overtly stressful when i should be practicing but can’t. every waking hour means it’s closer to competition day, yet all i can do is feel hopelessly antsy and frustrated that i have to stay put. on top of that, i’ve been put under a lot of undue pressure to take on more than i already have. my plate is beyond full and i don’t know how i can possible pile more on without toppling over. the stress is making me lose sleep, lose appetite, lose my words and lose passion. being quiet is not a source of outlet, but i’m not sure if i’ll be understood even if i speak. who would actually relate to  how i feel and why?? as another competition nears, i just want to focus on that but looks like that’s too much to ask for. the pressure is once again getting to me and i feel less ready both physically and mentally. the pressure of expectations is both internal and external; i can’t bear to leave people disappointed and almost want to apologize prior to the event. this is really not the time to fold. i hate how i am weakest when i need to be the strongest. where do i search to find the strength to carry forward

day 1204 – missing usb

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i woke up this morning expecting to work on my term project, but instead i spent the entire day looking for my usb drive. i was super upset that i lost my usb because it holds the only copy of the project i’ve been working on all term and i haven’t yet saved it onto my computer. what’s more devastating is i made immense progress yesterday and my model looked well on its way only to have it all vanish. i’m stupid for misplacing the drive. i will start the project from scratch tomorrow and hope to make this one even better. to whoever stole my usb, i hope you get caught plagiarizing

day 1173 – no go

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concluded my month-long debate with a tough decision. my team was shocked with the news, but concerned about my well-being. i’m passing on president cup as i didn’t have enough training time to feel prepared for an international event. i do have every intention to compete at the grassroot competition on the same weekend; couldn’t pass up on both events because my heart wants to compete. there’s no way of hiding my disappointment. i felt so dejected there was no way i could get my head in it to practice today. perhaps when i wake up tomorrow morning, i might feel relieved that at least a decision was made. only time will heal both wounds