day 893 – tough decision

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alone late at night thinking long and hard about my decision. truly thankful for all the supportive feedback i’ve received from the people i’ve spoken with on this topic; it made this tough stretch a little less painful. i think i have made my final decision to pass up what i’ve been dreaming of the past half a year – a chance at us open. perhaps having this decision made will end all those nights of waking up at 4am feeling extremely stressed. i’m no doubt disappointed i chose to back out of this opportunity but i feel it’s the right decision at this point. i feel terrible for all those that put their time and energy into getting me ready for this event, i feel bad i couldn’t make it happen. maybe it’s a sign i need to work harder on both my mental and physical game to earn my ticket to a competition as grand as us open. i haven’t given up my competition dreams, it just means i get a head start to preparing and training for the future ones. next up: nationals

day 891 – major crossroad

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training tonight was unlike any training i have been to for the past several years. i’m afraid there’s so much to work on and not enough time to get myself up to his standards, or even my own standards. i can only promise to try my best, but no guarantees i will get it down pat. the fear of undertaking this daunting endeavour alone is frightful, i’m afraid i won’t live up to expectations and disappoint those that invested time in getting me there. i don’t know how long i’d last or if this is the right moment to jump off the train now