day 1504 – nothing extra

one of the rare days i’m headed straight home from work because my hip and knee started causing havoc. i tried to alleviate the inflammation by icing, flossing, rolling, but nothing seemed to be the solution. i was optimistic it would get better evening so i should be good to go to the gym, but wasn’t the case. it got so bad that even with a knee brace on, all i really could do was sit in front of my desk and do some catch up paperwork

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day 1416 – grandma’s arm

my grandma is over ninety but probably healthier than me even before i turned nineteen. rarely has she made my family worry, but today i received bad news that she broke her arm from a fall. i’m worried that she’s suffering in pain, that she can’t take care of herself, that she wants my father by her side. she needs to go through a procedure and what she needs most is care that i cannot provide her. i just can’t rest easy knowing what she is going through and can only wish i could take it for her

stumbling

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i can’t be certain if my mind and my heart will still be in one piece come end of this month. there were so many times this month when i sat alone in the dark wanting to cry, wanting to run myself through the wall, wanting to pull my hair out and wanting to quit everything. but then, when i think about it again, what good with that do?? would it solve all the problems and frustrations i have at hand?? before i did anything careless, i managed to step back to gather myself and viewed things from a broader angle. stumbling is part of life, falling down is a must because that’s when you learn what you are made of. i’m sure all the greats have fallen at some point in the lifetime but somehow they managed to get to where they are now. i know i had to make some big and extremely tough decisions lately, but i made them and will be able to live with it for the rest of my life. there’s a lot of things in my life worth striving for, a lot to look forward to in the future. i shouldn’t let one or two or a few setbacks dictate and ruin my life. i promised myself i would only give myself a week to dwell and regroup, but after that, i will once again find the determination to move closer to my dreams and goals

day 749 – lower than low

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having one of those low moments and needing a pick me up kinda day. i think i have developed ptsd and feeling as low as i have ever been. rarely am i able to admit fear but i have no other explanation except exactly that. i haven’t got a solution as to how to fix or address the problem. all i know is it is way past normal bedtime hours but i am lying in bed unable to fall asleep because i am in thoroughly disappointment, it bothers me more than anything

day 550 – should be there

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a friend sent me this gorgeous view today. i should be there with her enjoying the snow on big white this weekend, but sadly i am not. instead, screw ups and lack of communication made me drop my plans and left me stuck in vancouver doing my usual routine plus another standard instructor seminar. i am not content to let winter season pass by without having gone up the mountain for some skiing

day 400 – need to fix

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still in terrible discomfort and needing relief and adjustment is the current priority of my life. not understanding the cause behind all the complications and not long until i run out of patience trying to understand. someone help me do a knee replacement so i can happily continue living my life the way it should be. pain has been such a big part of my life, it is certainly a privilege to live pain free for one day. also noting that blogging my 400th day is quite an achievement

day 378 – couldn’t go any more wrong

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the day far from over and everything thus far went so terribly wrong that i can’t even put into words. rough day when nothing can go right, i only wish there’s a way to lessen the burden. looking forward to tonight when i can use the gym as an outlet. i just want to be far far away from the rest of the world