day 2091 – ultrasound visit

my ultrasound appointment took way too long for what it was worth. the lady helping me didn’t give any instructions throughout, then took a long time checking the report before re-entering the room and didn’t bother giving me any explanation or answers as she sends me off. i was so unimpressed i just went straight home instead of joining fellow g-string at eastside craft house. i expected a little more than what i got, but maybe i expected too much out of these high paid technicians

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day 1593 – hootie

back to back season winning the spirit owl with gstrings. we uphold to being a highly spirited team in regular season and that’s no different at playoffs. an early exit wasn’t what we expected but we came out of our zone and my team knows it. the hardest part of being on the sideline while my team was on the brink of elimination is knowing i could step in to help but at the same time, couldn’t. if doctors gave me the nod, i would have in a heartbeat,  risked everything to play in a splint and have it taped so all surrounding joints are immobilized. at some point i just realized people are right and i need to take it easy at the right moment. regardless, i still wanted to be there for my team

day 1553 – splint change 

third time into hand clinic and fourth set of xrays taken within twenty four days. new specialist has taken over my case and i’m still confused with how i’ll be treated. he wasted no time; i get a new splint made right away and hand therapy begins. she assigned four exercises which i had plenty of trouble doing on my first set. i’m instructed these were to be done minimum five times a day. by the end of the day i made much improvement with two of them, but still struggling with the other two. these are very basic motor skills that i’ve lost made me feel useless. i can only hope that if i keep at it, it will get better day by day

day 1534 – gstrings girls

appointed photographer and driven to dickens as photoweek for thursday continues. it forced me to see people and be sociable. it’s the only time i left the house cause i didn’t go into work yet again and it’s driving me up the wall. the swelling makes it uncomfortable to sleep at night, and can’t predict how the swelling will fluctuate throughout the day either. i feel useless that i can’t even take care of myself and don’t want to get out of bed to face the day

day 1343 – atrophy 

woke up at the sound of my alarm clock thinking i could go to work but broken is what i am. unable to fall asleep with bad neck and shoulder pain. the resultant of slamming the brakes left me with a whiplash and nothing but pain and numbness on my right side. the range was nowhere near good after treatment, but at least i could lift my arm above my head. lots of ibuprofen until the pain of clunky movements and clicking of joints dissipates

day 1287 – emotional eating

could barely keep my eyes open this morning but i still felt okay during the day. i had all the intention to go training tonight but everything kind of fell apart when evening hit. i went way off track i couldn’t get myself to go to training. instead, i turned for home where emotional eating happened. disappointment loomed over me and i feel so utterly disgusted at myself for being useless. i just want to pull a blanket over my head or better yet bury myself in a hole

day 1092 – in isolation

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i intentionally trapped myself in my own world today. i didn’t leave the house, didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to think, didn’t want to eat, didn’t want to do anything. i feel more so stressed and hopeless; i have nothing to prove. it all works to my advantage since my ankle couldn’t move anyways. some disturbing thoughts floated around my mind today, but they were dismissed before it got too far. nothing was done as if today never happened