taking things a little personal and realizing i need to do something about it. it bothers me enough to tear up a little. it’s one of those things when i don’t feel deserving and i’m stubborn enough to do it. i prefer not eating and i will feel that way until i can hit the gym again. i’ll get hangry at times, but eating is secondary to being good enough in my own terms – not to mention it conserves time and money. it’s a little easier to get around it when parents are out of town
no regrets staying up until 4:45am just so i can witness federer win another australian open. much of the day was spent being a nerd doing my assignment, reading articles i enjoyed. the promotion test went smoothly and nothing particular went wrong, but somehow i’m feeling strangely bad about myself. the feeling of dissatisfaction of not being good enough and unworthiness is expanding in my head. i’m losing faith in myself and losing grip on what i want to achieve. hopefully that changes when i wake up tomorrow for a fresh start to the week
it was new years day and i just wanted to be home so i could be antisocial. being rattled and feeling unworthy in so many ways. my disappointment and discomfort loomed over, i didn’t even make it into the gym. instead, i rang in the new year with all sorts of organizational work and kept myself as busy as possible. i worked like a robot and had a productive day, but i didn’t feel much satisfaction. i spent the night spilling my thoughts on the keyboard to erase today and start again tomorrow
my shadow treats me well, i will also treat it well with some expensive spanking new bridgestones. it was long overdue, but i finally got my tires replaced and no longer have to worry about incidental drifting even on non rainy days. my day was so scattered today; had little success at having prolonged productivity. ended the night hangry and frustrated, but not feeling worthy if i can’t first match it with productivity
today’s performance is unworthy of this blue uniform. let down a lot of people and most importantly myself with lack of concentration and attention of detail. disappointment all over, i am the harshest critic of myself and should never allow that to happen again. time to tighten it up and be more serious and prepared for the next.