day 1135 – sunroof or moonroof

img_20200203_1344219016386932400635767.jpgdays without gym time always feels worse. giving my car a wash and treating it better than i treat myself. it’s the rare occasion you will find my sunroof shut. i used to like the nights, but they don’t treat me well anymore. the sun doesn’t come out anymore, neither does the moon. i guess there’s nothing out there giving me light; i could simply be spinning in circle for all i know. another night that didn’t end well; it’s uneasy but swallow it and get used to it. sleeping is overrated because the darkness is where everything happens, where all thoughts come out

day 1130 – hockey practice

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the morning started off good gearing up for a practice with teammates before the regular season. i was thrilled to be on ice with gear, sticks and pucks but that was the only bright spot. somethings got in the way but it was a setting i had to keep my composure and pretend nothing was wrong. i spoke my exact feelings and thoughts, but the thorn is way deeper than what i can remove. it was an unsettling feeling that started off sour and ended sour; made it far from an enjoyable rest of the night. i needed a punching bag more than anything and deep down i had the urge to go get one

day 1011 – unsleeping

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coaching this early saturday morning made difficult when i could barely keep my eyes open. had one of those sleepless nights where my stomach was feeling unsettling, likely from the food at dinner. so overkilled with taekwondo, i really didn’t feel like practicing myself even though everything in my body tells me i must. after following through regardless, i went straight home and passed out. i’m disappointed plans had to change and the streak was broken, but i just couldn’t stay awake

day 891 – major crossroad

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training tonight was unlike any training i have been to for the past several years. i’m afraid there’s so much to work on and not enough time to get myself up to his standards, or even my own standards. i can only promise to try my best, but no guarantees i will get it down pat. the fear of undertaking this daunting endeavour alone is frightful, i’m afraid i won’t live up to expectations and disappoint those that invested time in getting me there. i don’t know how long i’d last or if this is the right moment to jump off the train now

day 406 – concussed again??

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you know something is clearly wrong when i am in bed at 11pm. i felt concussion symptoms throughout the day and nearly fainted while i was merely standing. scary moments when the ground doesn’t feel like the ground and a person doesn’t look like a person. even though this probably should be checked out, i still don’t want to go into see my family doctor. i know my decisions may raise many eyebrows, but i don’t think seeing my family doctor will solve anything