day 2241 – new belt

picked up my new belt with the forth stripe but looks like i’ll have to call in to ask about the quality and workmanship. the belt has a crooked joing in the middle as if two shorter stripes were haphazardly sewn together. also noticeable was the quality of the belts has gone down and they don’t feel as weighty as my previous one. i would feel stupid for wearing this that’s not up to par

day 2121 – icelandair

didn’t drive to work today because i’m leaving for the airport straight from the office. never taken iceland air before so i had no idea they were so stingy on allowances. so snacks or meals were provided even on a seven hour flight. icelandair also doesn’t include a check in luggage and charges an outrageous amount to have one checked. on top of that, the carry on size is smaller than other airlines. the seats were so cramped i would never recommend icelandair to anyone

day 1826 – work calls

i went into work and did my lunch and learn presentation. i went not because i wanted to, but cause obligation calls. the way everything has unfolded recently left me feeling sour and i’m about to give up trying to reach for justice. i no longer feel like standing up for what’s fair and will just do whatever is said. the amount of work i manage, the amount of stress from all directions, and the lack of respect i’m receiving just doesn’t add up. the renumeration that was promised doesn’t exist. if things don’t change, then i’m on my way out

day 1408 – set lunch 

missed the vendor lunch and learn because conference call takes precedence. they saved the extra catered set lunch for me after their lecture. the question is why am i staring at the pretzel bun chicken burger past 1pm and have no appetite?? it wasn’t going to eat itself so i proceeded to take a few bites. what i managed to put in my mouth tasted good, but i only made it through the carrots and half the bun before i gave up

self shamed

i would be in a better place if only i could see eye to eye with this quote. getting bashed is something i’ve gotten too used to growing up. for years and years, i’ve always struggled with confidence, mainly self confidence. never came naturally and at times questioned if it even exists. i always thought of all my imperfections and in my mind i always had a vision of what perfect is. i thought i had found some latter part of last year when i was at my peak and everything felt well, but that has diminished. being a person that’s largely affected by other’s words, i take every put down personal. lately i’ve fallen depressed and almost ashamed of myself in so many ways. i wasn’t happy nor satisfied with my mental state, physique and features and even where i am within the society. i can’t be the perfect daughter, i can’t be the perfect girl, i can’t have the perfect job, i can’t have the perfect personality, i can’t have the perfect physique – i simply can’t be perfect. this self hate sucks because i would feel the need to purposely beat myself up or starve myself. losing sleep thinking over and over again what i need to get the self confidence back. it’s been a struggle learning to accept myself for who i am

day 1301 – self conscious 

not moving much and not being physically active has made me become self conscious and i’ve let it take over with my decision making. it’s only fair that if i can’t do what i want, it won’t get what it wants either. can’t help but feel undeserving so i skipped a meal or two and waited out my appetite. as long as i occupy myself, everything becomes psychological needs

day 1250 – diffident

image

it was new years day and i just wanted to be home so i could be antisocial. being rattled and feeling unworthy in so many ways. my disappointment and discomfort loomed over, i didn’t even make it into the gym. instead, i rang in the new year with all sorts of organizational work and kept myself as busy as possible. i worked like a robot and had a productive day, but i didn’t feel much satisfaction. i spent the night spilling my thoughts on the keyboard to erase today and start again tomorrow