day 1558 – me menu

called everything off and put myself and only myself on today’s menu cause i need time alone to set my priorities straight. absolutely no work related tasks today – no work for the first time in sixteen days. i was going down the wrong path of cramming work in to avoid idle time which in turn has even more negative effect on my mental health. can’t say i’m not a workaholic but then realized i was more burnt out than ever. so first time sleeping in until eight, helped my parents moved furniture, went for a workout and cleaned my room. that is not to say i don’t see the relationship struggles, but we’ll both be working on it together. i do feel better thinking i’ve reset my priorities and reorganized my life for the upcoming week

day 1456 – lingering effects

slowly getting back to normally but there’s lingering effects both physically and mentally. somehow i am still hesitant and scared to eat regular food, or maybe i’m just worried i’ll get fat again. i’m hollow and empty inside, but i persuade myself i can wait it out. it’s one of those things i’d rather endure than being hurt and be scarred time after time. it affects me more than i’d ever want to talk about it 

day 1454 – toasting 

i can tell you such restricting diet sucks when all i really wanted today was a chocolate chip cookie. it’s times like this when i crave all the bad stuff that i consistently pry myself from anyways. i’ve had enough plain bread and blandness the past week. my first trial run of first real food was an egg and my treat of the day was pint sized chicken udon for dinner. people have been telling me i shrunk, and my face is noticeably paler, skinnier and look borderline unhealthy 

day 1306 – exec social 

a vdl event that gathers execs so those who don’t do league ops nor play every night gets a chance to hangout. i am usually unable to make it out to these events, but i had a gap before working at blackbelt test. taking over most of steamworks eating and socializing while getting good laughs playing board games. the company was good but the food was horrible; i ended up eating my first hotdog since korean festival two summers ago. a laid back afternoon that momentarily got my mind off taekwondo where i was low key stressing out for my competition

day 1118 – fell off

image

after having fended off my fries craving for a week, i fell off the tracks and finally gave in. didn’t make up any sleep last night after a crazy busy weekend. i felt really tired in the afternoon but strangely couldn’t fall asleep. when i finally did, i only managed eight minutes of napping. i was suppose to go to a house party but didn’t feel like i deserved to so just went for a walk instead. maybe the built up mental and physical fatigue led me to make this horrible decision. i don’t know what went into me, but i just can’t let myself make these poor decisions again

day 929 – resurrect

image

tomorrow i am going to get some me time to reboot both my mind and my system. i feel i need some time to regroup and make sure i’m back on track doing things i need to be doing and doing things i enjoy doing, for the right reasons. the past week or two has been lousy where i am just going through everything mindlessly like a robot but not thinking twice about what i am seeking out of it. and during this time, there’s either been a lot of emotional eating or unhealthy thoughts and choices made. i really should put things back into it’s proper routine and get back in the right frame of mind to make the best choices for myself moving forward. february is a short month, so better not waste time and get back on track as soon as i possibly can

day 839 – not right

image

i had a great weekend, only up to the moment i realize i had disobeyed all that i said i would do. i am fighting myself and feeling torn inside because i walked in with a number in mind but went well beyond that limit, i don’t know how it got so out of hand. it’s only finally hitting me hard today, the wheels have really fallen off and i don’t even know where to begin to pick myself up. what a heart felt disappointment when i have regretfully misused the trust others had in me. i failed others and most importantly i have failed myself. need to learn that discipline is choosing between what i want now and what i want most. perhaps i must be stricter and harder on myself and start my climb from the bottom again. i guess i deserved to have both my pinkies sprained during practice