day 2187 – lunch stroll

i really wasn’t feeling i was in the right place, so i went for a stroll to get some air after lunch. i walked aimlessly outside in the opposite direction because i didn’t want to have any interaction. i still am not back to my old self from the outbreak that i couldn’t prevent. i’m trying my hardest to do so but it’s still too noticeable that i haven’t been carrying myself the same way i normally do. i may need to take a day off as a way to recoup

Advertisements

day 2163 – sharing difficulties

a subpar session and horrible stretch has left me frustrated as ever. even the boston pizza spicy thai chicken wrap sitting in front of me didn’t change my appetite or mood. i didn’t expect to have this talk with the flightclub crew, but i realize we’ve become close friends that i’m okay with letting them in on some of my thoughts and feelings, and they also shared theirs. lately, lots of negative thoughts were floating through my head, all of which left me empty. feeling discouraged with the training and progress as of late, i was beginning to accept my fate in my freestyle dream. i opened up and almost cried, but they listened and seemed to understand what i’m going through. maybe they finally realize the strong outer shell i uphold isn’t so strong on the inside

day 2071 – 3d prints

work lately has been a total drag, i don’t look forward to going into the office at all. many mornings i hear the sound of my alarm and have no urgency to get up for work. i think the change in my scope of work and responsibility no longer makes me interested and satisfied. helping test out the 3d printer today was a way to pull me out of the boring tasks i’m currently working on

day 1778 – handspring 

it was a rough day with so much fluttering through my mind and possibly a big decision oncoming. i few messages sent my way in the morning almost made me explode. i didn’t feel like going to flip after work, but i did anyway. wasn’t too bad with my first cracked at combos and crash course on front handsprings. i was, however, terrible at back tucks and didn’t bother doing anymore than three before i called it a day. i went home feeling quite disappointed and down. it’s just one of those off days that wasn’t meant to be, but i’ll come back clean and try again next time

day 1573 – unravel

not the typical day i thought it would be at work. i thought i would go about my own business and keep my composure just as i’ve always done, but i unraveled in a hurry. i refused to bring my personal life to work and need not to explain the battles i fight. i was in pure frustration to hear people who have no idea what i’m going through make ignorant assumptions and go as far as using ‘abusing rights’. i never want to unload any of my problems on anyone cause i believed i’m tough enough to shoulder my own burden. clearly i haven’t said enough; hr and manager are asking to be let in on things i bottled up for much too long. they want to be my outlet and they want me to know i can let them in

beyoncĂ© – if i were a boy

it makes me sad listening to this, but it also resembles the current. a lot goes to show that i’ve been taken for granted. it’s true that a guy will never understand what damages they make with a little mistake. once done it can’t be undone, once not done it cannot be made up for. i’ve lost all hope in making this a meaningful relationship if i can’t feel any care or support. i can’t make you better and i don’t want to change a person, but i have an option to move on. this really is the last of it and maybe one day, it’ll finally click

day 1387 – round and round

work and appointment went smoothly, yet it was still a bad day. even the sunshine didn’t change my state of mind. the little things really add up to a lot and i’ve realized more so of why i’m less happy. perhaps my inner self is starting to take exception to the diminishing consideration and respect. it sucks always being discredited and it sucks being secondary. it’s eating me up and i feel like my confidence is reaching an all time low. i lose sleep seeking self acceptance because i struggle to like myself for who i am