day 2523 – nothingness

i had a super frustrating training session at tricking and left the gym crying. i’ve been going at cart fronts and btwists for some time but there’s next to no progress to show for. the coach would point out that i’m doing things wrong, but no matter what i do, i can’t seem to do what the coach is telling me do so he’s also given up on me. as much as i want to slow down and work on the technique, i don’t know how it feels like to be right. i feel so hopeless that part of me thinks i should give up on it because i’ll never get it. i’m told to take a break and work on something else, but that’s happened for all my moves, and as it stands i’ve accomplished nothing

day 2514 – push knees

even though i was told not to push my knee too hard too quickly, i felt the need to test the limits and keep pushing the boundaries. i kept trying to get into a squat position, but the knee felt super uncomfortable and restrictive and probably had only sixty percentage of my normal range. still, i’m going to keep pushing it every moment i can in hopes to speed up the recovery. it’s only been three days, but i’m already tired of sitting out. with the current state of my knee and finger, i will not land any new move on the floor to lift that bubble tea ban

day 2511 – squats and shit

morning squat session was a little ego damaging if i even had any to begin with. i set out to do one fifty five for three reps, but had to lower that expectation and couldn’t even manage two good reps on my own. what made it worse is i hyperextended my left knee again during tricking class on something i shouldn’t have been so careless with. i don’t know how damaged my knee and ligaments are, but all the bad thoughts went through my head. it could be a long, long time until i get to drink bubble tea again. i wouldn’t be able to land a new tricking move, i wouldn’t be able to cut down to my goal weight, i wouldn’t hit my two plate deadlift or my one eighty five squat. none of these can be achieved in order for me to lift my bubble tea ban

day 2494 – rocky times

the end of may has been a rather rocky stretch in a few aspects. i’m honestly not sure what to expect once june hits. the progress inside the garage gym has been really good many thanks to my lifting partner who encourages and spots me when necessary. i certainly hope it keeps going but i’m not sure if that’ll continue if he get busy. the tricking has been the sad part, because so many things have fallen apart this whole month. i don’t remember how to do a cartwheel and webster; it almost seems like i’m not in control of my own body. i need to be harsher on myself because i can’t keep letting it slide

day 2492 – lifting duo

i did the best i could and tried not to let last night’s rough session affect my lifts, but can’t say i was too successful at hiding it. apex session was focused on clean and jerks. my lifts weren’t bad, but it took a lot to string together one good clean plus the jerk. i started off slow with the lighter weights but still worked up to a fifty kilogram clean and jerk. it was bench and row day for my second session back at my garage gym. i really wasn’t feeling strong with the shoulder, but surprised myself with a ninety pound bench for three reps. i’m really glad my friend comes to lift with meb he’s probably the reason why i push the weights i do

day 2491 – square one

nothing to feel good about in tonight’s session. back tucks and front tucks were passable. everything about my webster is wrong so i’m back to square one. i left the gym feeling disappointed and extremely upset with myself. stayed up much later than i should’ve, clearly bothered and frustrated with how my webster had broken down and in general how incompetent i was. i was already on a bubble tea ban prior to this, but now i made up my mind that i’ll be indefinite until i can land my webster on the floor

day 2411 – discouragements

sometimes i may show nothing on the surface, but deep inside i’m just discouraged and hurt. i couldn’t contain myself when i got home at night because it’s hard to accept i still have yet to get my webster and flash despite all the time and energy spent on it since november. it’s hard to swallow that everyone is improving so much quicker and here i am still working on the same thing time after time, still being told to be patient when i can no longer be patient. sometimes i wonder why i’m still going in to work on it when nothing is going to change. i don’t want to be the hard worker that gets nothing done

day 2324 – reasons to quit

rough day doing flips today made me think of a lot of things that wasn’t suppose to cross my mind. i get the feeling others have already written me off and that i’ll no longer be able to land anything anymore. it’s unfair to be left hanging and it’s the main reason i’m considering quitting. i’m not a person that can settle with no foreseeable goals. in my mind, i’m thinking if i don’t land a new move either webster, butterfly twist, flash or flash gainer before the end of this year, i’m going to call it quits. maybe it’s better for everyone anyway so i’m not given false hope that i can be any good

day 2320 – low life

sleepless on a sunday night does not bode well for monday morning. i needed a coffee first thing when i got into work. i couldn’t help but stay awake thinking and overthinking of all the things i may have to give up. i can’t stop myself from crying thinking my life as an athlete could come to an abrupt end. i hadn’t done all that i wanted to accomplish and i clearly hadn’t expected it to approach so soon. i can’t stand to open up and tell many of my injury status so keeping it to myself was my next best option

day 2195 – walk in clinic

as much as i didn’t want to go back to work after a long weekend, i was less happy to be spending three and a half hours at a walk in clinic waiting for both the doctor and pharmacy. the mosquito bite flared up so bad overnight i didn’t get any sleep. i got up in the middle of the night to apply and reapply the hydrocortisone. when i woke up, my leg was so red and swelled up it no longer looked like a leg. the doctor prescribed the same antibiotics as last time. i guess that’s what i get for not finishing it last time