day 2411 – discouragements

sometimes i may show nothing on the surface, but deep inside i’m just discouraged and hurt. i couldn’t contain myself when i got home at night because it’s hard to accept i still have yet to get my webster and flash despite all the time and energy spent on it since november. it’s hard to swallow that everyone is improving so much quicker and here i am still working on the same thing time after time, still being told to be patient when i can no longer be patient. sometimes i wonder why i’m still going in to work on it when nothing is going to change. i don’t want to be the hard worker that gets nothing done

day 2324 – reasons to quit

rough day doing flips today made me think of a lot of things that wasn’t suppose to cross my mind. i get the feeling others have already written me off and that i’ll no longer be able to land anything anymore. it’s unfair to be left hanging and it’s the main reason i’m considering quitting. i’m not a person that can settle with no foreseeable goals. in my mind, i’m thinking if i don’t land a new move either webster, butterfly twist, flash or flash gainer before the end of this year, i’m going to call it quits. maybe it’s better for everyone anyway so i’m not given false hope that i can be any good

day 2320 – low life

sleepless on a sunday night does not bode well for monday morning. i needed a coffee first thing when i got into work. i couldn’t help but stay awake thinking and overthinking of all the things i may have to give up. i can’t stop myself from crying thinking my life as an athlete could come to an abrupt end. i hadn’t done all that i wanted to accomplish and i clearly hadn’t expected it to approach so soon. i can’t stand to open up and tell many of my injury status so keeping it to myself was my next best option

day 2195 – walk in clinic

as much as i didn’t want to go back to work after a long weekend, i was less happy to be spending three and a half hours at a walk in clinic waiting for both the doctor and pharmacy. the mosquito bite flared up so bad overnight i didn’t get any sleep. i got up in the middle of the night to apply and reapply the hydrocortisone. when i woke up, my leg was so red and swelled up it no longer looked like a leg. the doctor prescribed the same antibiotics as last time. i guess that’s what i get for not finishing it last time

day 2187 – lunch stroll

i really wasn’t feeling i was in the right place, so i went for a stroll to get some air after lunch. i walked aimlessly outside in the opposite direction because i didn’t want to have any interaction. i still am not back to my old self from the outbreak that i couldn’t prevent. i’m trying my hardest to do so but it’s still too noticeable that i haven’t been carrying myself the same way i normally do. i may need to take a day off as a way to recoup

day 2163 – sharing difficulties

a subpar session and horrible stretch has left me frustrated as ever. even the boston pizza spicy thai chicken wrap sitting in front of me didn’t change my appetite or mood. i didn’t expect to have this talk with the flightclub crew, but i realize we’ve become close friends that i’m okay with letting them in on some of my thoughts and feelings, and they also shared theirs. lately, lots of negative thoughts were floating through my head, all of which left me empty. feeling discouraged with the training and progress as of late, i was beginning to accept my fate in my freestyle dream. i opened up and almost cried, but they listened and seemed to understand what i’m going through. maybe they finally realize the strong outer shell i uphold isn’t so strong on the inside

day 2071 – 3d prints

work lately has been a total drag, i don’t look forward to going into the office at all. many mornings i hear the sound of my alarm and have no urgency to get up for work. i think the change in my scope of work and responsibility no longer makes me interested and satisfied. helping test out the 3d printer today was a way to pull me out of the boring tasks i’m currently working on