day 2534 – teared up

i had a huge meltdown after class and it all started with being scolded for a drill i was expected to perform but couldn’t. had a long call with the coach afterwards who was very frustrated and thought i wasn’t cooperating today. i was extremely hurt when he said it appears i always skip the drills and don’t work at the technique he wants me to correct. usually, i take the instructions given and practice them to the best i can. when he comes back and sees me still doing it incorrectly, he believes i didn’t care to make the necessary adjustments. to say that i don’t put in the work or want it bad enough can’t be anymore heartbreaking because i can guarantee not many wants it more than I do. i haven’t cried this much for as long as i can remember. i stayed out for six more hours just crying on my own and didn’t even bother eating dinner because i didn’t feel deserving. when i finally got home at midnight, i was sure falling asleep would be a very difficult thing

day 2373 – rutted

i’ve had far too many nose blows the past few months. the amount of times i stay awake being sad and discouraged far exceeds the times i not. i’m so tired of it; the feeling of quitting happens every other day. i’m not okay being neglected, left alone to fail and self destruct while some get the full on instructions. it hurts me that i show up to classes and open gyms ready to learn, ready to land my next move, but i’m clearly not their priority because they’ve got their ‘pokemon’ to train. i don’t deserve this and it hurts me so much inside more than words can explain

day 2451 – snowy disappointment

the forecast was correct as snow fell overnight. it wasn’t a whole lot, so i could still drive my mom’s car to work. i was hit with a bunch of disappointment at flipping tonight. what i felt in december came back again – i felt like i wasn’t getting the same support and learning opportunity. i’m pretty frustrated i’m not getting what i need to make progress. all i ever hear is i’m making progress, i’m missing technique; but i’m not getting any support or guidance as to how to fix that technique or what it is i need to do to get there. it’s the neglect and the constant empty promises that’s really getting to me. maybe my initial gut feeling was correct and i should pack it in because no one believes i can land anything anymore

day 2324 – reasons to quit

rough day doing flips today made me think of a lot of things that wasn’t suppose to cross my mind. i get the feeling others have already written me off and that i’ll no longer be able to land anything anymore. it’s unfair to be left hanging and it’s the main reason i’m considering quitting. i’m not a person that can settle with no foreseeable goals. in my mind, i’m thinking if i don’t land a new move either webster, butterfly twist, flash or flash gainer before the end of this year, i’m going to call it quits. maybe it’s better for everyone anyway so i’m not given false hope that i can be any good

day 2227 – taekwondo time

killarney just got a lot way more stressful starting this term. i’ll be short my vice instructor because she got pulled back to teaching at main branch but i get no one in return; it’ll be just me, an instructor and assistant instructors. i’ll have to train up another vice instructor from scratch. until then, i’ll have to own everything and be prepared to take on anything that comes my way. that’s including preparations for promotion tests, comeptitions and demonstrations while juggling my staff’s limited availability. it’ll be hard to stay sane throughout this term, but i’ll stay positive and continue to believe in what i can offer

day 1826 – work calls

i went into work and did my lunch and learn presentation. i went not because i wanted to, but cause obligation calls. the way everything has unfolded recently left me feeling sour and i’m about to give up trying to reach for justice. i no longer feel like standing up for what’s fair and will just do whatever is said. the amount of work i manage, the amount of stress from all directions, and the lack of respect i’m receiving just doesn’t add up. the renumeration that was promised doesn’t exist. if things don’t change, then i’m on my way out

day 193 – this explains everything

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should have seen this horoscope earlier so I would have seen it coming and wouldn’t be so dumbfounded with all the events that unfolded in the wrong way. nonetheless i still hold no fault and no responsibilities in what was said and what took place, just unfortunate the other party cannot comprehend

day 191 – stabbed in the heart

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the moments when you know you have been right all along and it just took someone the effort to simply ask for clarification rather than misinterpret and then wrongly accuse. the dissatisfaction of already taking the undeserving heat based on wrong accusation cannot be compensated and that whatever is said or done cannot be undone. this is what keeps me up at night and is directly related to my sleeplessness. truly disappointed of the whole situation but the only bright point i can take with me is knowing my intentions were clear from the beginning and never once doubted myself. at the end of the day, i am who i am