day 1818 – work morons

dealing with morons at work isn’t good use of my time, but it’s what i’ve had to put up with lately. one of the manager has been poking me for a while and the way she provokes me agitates me because of her ignorance and lack of sense. good thing she is no longer the design manager, but the real question is how is she still a manager? i know she’s out to get me and she’s already been talking shit to the ceo who is easily persuaded because he doesn’t know better. while i’m not surprise she keeps stirring shit behind my back, it built up so much aggression i wish i could stick her face on a target so i can kick it until it falls off

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feelings or not

through the years of breaking and mending myself, i can confirm that pain tolerance is something i’m well developed with. it’s as if people assume i either don’t have feelings to show for or my feelings don’t matter regardless. people often don’t see how damaging words can be; only the person on the receiving end can truly feel the impact. i can confirm that i’ve trained myself to not have feelings because even if i once had, it should be defected by now. i learned that i will never voice my displeasure and not show any emotions even when i’m clearly uncomfortable taking them in. my emotions are kept in the safest place beneath the impermeable layers . i’m constantly being reminded that no matter what i do, nothing will be good enough because their perceptions will always remain. i guess some just finds pleasure in making others feel bad and undeserving; and they’ve succeeded to ingrain that in me on many different levels. whatever their intentions are, if saying such things satisfies their needs, so be it because being selfless is something i strive for. when negative comments are fired, all i have to do is deactivate what’s left of my feelings and everything will be okay

day 1290 – sums it up 

this pretty much sums up how i’m feeling about myself and my life lately. i can’t seem to get my stuff together and time after after i disappoint myself. got to the lowest point in a quite some time and i am in disbelief when i found out. i definitely feel undeserving of some basic privileges. the long weekend comes timely because i can take this time to regroup and find something new. i better get it together in a hurry or else it might turn out to be self harming

day 1118 – fell off

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after having fended off my fries craving for a week, i fell off the tracks and finally gave in. didn’t make up any sleep last night after a crazy busy weekend. i felt really tired in the afternoon but strangely couldn’t fall asleep. when i finally did, i only managed eight minutes of napping. i was suppose to go to a house party but didn’t feel like i deserved to so just went for a walk instead. maybe the built up mental and physical fatigue led me to make this horrible decision. i don’t know what went into me, but i just can’t let myself make these poor decisions again

day 839 – not right

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i had a great weekend, only up to the moment i realize i had disobeyed all that i said i would do. i am fighting myself and feeling torn inside because i walked in with a number in mind but went well beyond that limit, i don’t know how it got so out of hand. it’s only finally hitting me hard today, the wheels have really fallen off and i don’t even know where to begin to pick myself up. what a heart felt disappointment when i have regretfully misused the trust others had in me. i failed others and most importantly i have failed myself. need to learn that discipline is choosing between what i want now and what i want most. perhaps i must be stricter and harder on myself and start my climb from the bottom again. i guess i deserved to have both my pinkies sprained during practice

day 191 – stabbed in the heart

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the moments when you know you have been right all along and it just took someone the effort to simply ask for clarification rather than misinterpret and then wrongly accuse. the dissatisfaction of already taking the undeserving heat based on wrong accusation cannot be compensated and that whatever is said or done cannot be undone. this is what keeps me up at night and is directly related to my sleeplessness. truly disappointed of the whole situation but the only bright point i can take with me is knowing my intentions were clear from the beginning and never once doubted myself. at the end of the day, i am who i am