day 2187 – lunch stroll

i really wasn’t feeling i was in the right place, so i went for a stroll to get some air after lunch. i walked aimlessly outside in the opposite direction because i didn’t want to have any interaction. i still am not back to my old self from the outbreak that i couldn’t prevent. i’m trying my hardest to do so but it’s still too noticeable that i haven’t been carrying myself the same way i normally do. i may need to take a day off as a way to recoup

self shamed

i would be in a better place if only i could see eye to eye with this quote. getting bashed is something i’ve gotten too used to growing up. for years and years, i’ve always struggled with confidence, mainly self confidence. never came naturally and at times questioned if it even exists. i always thought of all my imperfections and in my mind i always had a vision of what perfect is. i thought i had found some latter part of last year when i was at my peak and everything felt well, but that has diminished. being a person that’s largely affected by other’s words, i take every put down personal. lately i’ve fallen depressed and almost ashamed of myself in so many ways. i wasn’t happy nor satisfied with my mental state, physique and features and even where i am within the society. i can’t be the perfect daughter, i can’t be the perfect girl, i can’t have the perfect job, i can’t have the perfect personality, i can’t have the perfect physique – i simply can’t be perfect. this self hate sucks because i would feel the need to purposely beat myself up or starve myself. losing sleep thinking over and over again what i need to get the self confidence back. it’s been a struggle learning to accept myself for who i am

day 896 – kickboxing

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always wanted to try kickboxing so i gave it a shot. it was fun and pretty much what i expected –  a cardio workout. the class was structured in several phases, but they pride on not stopping at any one of them and surprisingly i didn’t need to. i could really benefit from working up a sweat and use that as distraction from everything that’s been happening lately. i received constant feedback and comments, many of which mentioned i had a good roundhouse kick. why thank you, i guess my roundhouse kick is not too shabby

day 797 – trying to train

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attempting to train tonight even though my body just isn’t feeling it but got to try anyways. the long battle of my cold continues well into the second week, it just doesn’t want to leave me alone and let me live regularly. i hate feeling like this, but i also hate missing trainings, practices and games even more. weather isn’t helping at all with the change of temperature and earlier night falls.