day 2418 – social distance

coronavirus emergency took another step suspending all non essential services until further notice. that means my chiropractor appointment this morning is cancelled. my lifting gyms are still open but that may also change any minute. even i don’t think i’ll risk going to steve nash or apex for the time being. good thing my tricking gym is still in operation or else i’ll have nothing to do. i really hope that doesn’t get too out of hand because i don’t think i can get used to this concept of social distancing

day 1614 – big cheers


time really does fly by quickly and another three hundred and sixty five posts later, it’s the eve again. as every year comes to an end, i make reflections but the difference is how i plan for the upcoming. 2017 had its challenges and the latter part was tough being involved in many unfortunate events.  here’s a toast to hoping for a good 2018 where my pretentious goals and big dreams come true. happy new year and stay true to yourself

day 1341 – solituding

img_20200204_1603498884422411839897764.jpgthe only bright spot on this day was watching federer take his third title this year. otherwise i spent it in solitude as quiet time are never good times when being crushed by my troubles. needing to get out because i can’t stand being at home and confined by myself. at least gym is a place of hiding and numbing because it’s a place i can be respected. outside and being with people makes me hide my sorrows, but i know i’m only masking for what i want to bury even deeper

fulfilment

img_20200204_2259236988350126470173169.jpgheaving a ten tonne rock off my shoulders is an appropriate representation as i haven’t felt so relieved in far too long. it may not mean anything to others, but to me, no words can describe how much receiving that call means to me. for the past year, i struggled to find myself, to accept myself and to be myself. i would hate myself for never being good enough at everything and for anything, often had internal war within. i went though down times that caused eating problems which consequently wrecked my body in too many ways. i bottled up all my problems and feelings, and avoided sensitive topics at all costs. it got to the point where i lost interest in a lot of things and wanted to confine myself in my own space so i didn’t have to talk. at last i opened up to a selected few; i need not to mention any names as you know who you are. i’m thankful that while i was going through my wildest and worst times, you came to the rescue and stood by me. thank you for being patient with me when i was going through some of the roughest times. for piecing me together and keeping me together when i was self destructing. for not rushing me to become something i wasn’t ready to become. for supporting me to find what i truly wanted. for accepting me with open arms and caressing me when i needed you most. it’s you that kept me afloat and a good reason why i’m still alive and striving to this day. through this process i’ve learned an abundance of things –  it’s okay to have weak moments but i’ve learned to be strong. many times i thought i had turned the corner, only to stumbled back in. today i can safely and assertively say i have found my way out of this gigantic hole, and i will only move forward in the direction i’ve always wanted to go but didn’t dare to go. i have a very good reason to smile as i’m leaving everything behind and starting my new episode fresh. i have found myself and i’ll be chasing whatever fulfills my heart

day 1188 – sushi fix

img_20200130_2043163497388161893659168.jpgafter being out of town for four days surviving mainly on bread components, i was massively craving sushi and homecooking. i am just happy to be back in my regular routine doing mundane things, eating sushi, seeing my family and of course spending time with mo. just as he thought i only shopped for myself, i surprised him with a souvenir from portland outlet. it was a rough october with unproportional low ups to downs ratio; but more importantly i survived and look forward to a november to remember

self discovery

img_20200204_2300039086522560560800566.jpgit was more or less a self-wrecking week with so many internal and external forces pushing up against me. it was all a combination of stress from competition, school, work, people but none more so than myself. the road has not been easy as i have felt myself slowly dying inside but i didn’t want to confront and address it. it hurts to know that leakage of my stresses was stressing out others. no one has a clue what is going on in my head and it’s probably better kept that way. i’m disappointed at myself for not handling myself better and keeping my emotions a little tighter. the last thing i want is to be a burden to anyone and add unncessary flavour to anyone; i made up my mind that interacting less and speaking less will be helpful. i felt safe that way just to eliminate any chance of doing or saying the wrong things. sometimes i wonder why i need feelings when i’m better off without them. during this time, i spent some time reading quotes and looking for inspiration to get me through this stretch. i’m already at a point of self-destruction, there’s nowhere else to go but up. i know i’m strong enough to get through these ruts, and in case i’m not, i need to find a way to become stronger. i do believe i’ll find my way out and the better is on its way

day 1086 – bruce quote

image

thinking of something to get myself going again. this man says some very powerful things that i would like to live by day in day out. in bruce lee’s wise words, always be yourself, express yourself and have faith in yourself. it’s a tough stretch, but we have each other’s back to fight through all battles. sometimes a quiet and simple evening brings out the quality of our time and lightens up the mood. just remember tough times don’t last, tough people do

day 1079 – partner in crime

image

there were uncalled emotional moments which i couldn’t suppress. tears happened because i have been pretending to be strong for too long. i can count on him knowing he wants to be there during my worst and toughest moments. it has been very tough lately, but i know it’s much easier to weather the storm together. happy for the passing of another month; keeping it strong and keeping it real throughout

living through my falls

image

it’s unbelievable how fast things could change and how far things could fall. outside my shell, it’s hard to tell i have lived through two very rough weeks. but beneath my shell, my life felt very close to the “underworld”, filled with mayhem that’s got me feeling rocking bottom. the descend started off with a week long fever, cough then cold. i couldn’t muster much activity during this time; i was bed ridden and under endless medication majority of the time. my body felt weak as ever; all the ground i’ve gained has been lost, and deep down i felt even worse about myself because i couldn’t do anything to change it. luckily, i had a personal nurse that took care of me and almost felt more concerned about my health than i ever was. just as i was recovering from sickness, the nightmare hit me hard – literally. ever since being struck at dodgeball playoffs, i felt like i was living in a really bad dream. having a concussion is scary because everything felt out of whack. my head and neck were throbbing, my movements were slowed, my speech and thoughts were disoriented, my appetite was affected – the bottom line is, i wasn’t able to function like my normal self. what made it difficult was i couldn’t tell people what i was going through nor could i disclose the severity fearing they will not let me continue with my upcoming events which means so much to me. i’m feeling slightly better with each passing day and a week after the incident, i can safely say recovery seems like it’s on course. thankful mo has been by my side during this rough span. just having his presence makes things better and gives me the inspiration to think on the bright side even when times get tough. i’ve fallen very far down and lost a lot of the gains i’ve been working hard at, but now is really not the time to hang my head. i’m not okay with myself and my performance in it’s current stage, so i’m going to make it right. i must get it together and make up that ground in a hurry. it won’t be easy, but it will be done

day 850 – my time

image

running on my own schedule and doing what i want to be doing. it’s all about taking back the reins of my own life and steering it where i actually want to go, not because i must go. i am thankful for all the support i have received lately, it was a tough decision but i am glad to know there’s so many people backing me up when i need it most. when was the last time i could confidently say i am living with the freedom of choice. that’s living my life