day 2309 – mri results

i think shocked wouldn’t even be the correct term to describe myself after finding out the mri results. i’m pretty shaken that my ankle ligament is completely torn. it didn’t really hit me on the spot, but as the day went on and i digested this news, i’m feeling pretty discouraged and utmost concerned. it strikes me that i will forever not have this ligament and it will never heal itself. if not treated, i will have no chance of being able to do all that i love doing – my sports career will be changed and limited forever. i had some chats with doctors and friends, hoping to get their thoughts and views on it because i clearly couldn’t keep my head above water

day 2268 – sky fallen

it feels like the world just crashed on me. i wish my first instinct was incorrect, but i’m pretty certain i’ve just torn my other retinaculum during the battle. it was a bad judgment on my part – i shouldn’t have tried to sync the cartwheel back tuck and should just went for it on my own. now my everything is in jeopardy and i can’t help by think that my hopes and dreams of competing or even tricking in general could all be over. it hurts thinking not even reconstructive surgery can be a solution and all i can do is keep waiting and hope there’s a chance it will heal itself to a usable state. no one truly understands the physical pain i’m going through at the moment, and definitely don’t understand how much this hinders me in all the things i do and love doing. i just know i’m not ready to say goodbye to any of those things

day 839 – not right

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i had a great weekend, only up to the moment i realize i had disobeyed all that i said i would do. i am fighting myself and feeling torn inside because i walked in with a number in mind but went well beyond that limit, i don’t know how it got so out of hand. it’s only finally hitting me hard today, the wheels have really fallen off and i don’t even know where to begin to pick myself up. what a heart felt disappointment when i have regretfully misused the trust others had in me. i failed others and most importantly i have failed myself. need to learn that discipline is choosing between what i want now and what i want most. perhaps i must be stricter and harder on myself and start my climb from the bottom again. i guess i deserved to have both my pinkies sprained during practice