day 2163 – sharing difficulties

a subpar session and horrible stretch has left me frustrated as ever. even the boston pizza spicy thai chicken wrap sitting in front of me didn’t change my appetite or mood. i didn’t expect to have this talk with the flightclub crew, but i realize we’ve become close friends that i’m okay with letting them in on some of my thoughts and feelings, and they also shared theirs. lately, lots of negative thoughts were floating through my head, all of which left me empty. feeling discouraged with the training and progress as of late, i was beginning to accept my fate in my freestyle dream. i opened up and almost cried, but they listened and seemed to understand what i’m going through. maybe they finally realize the strong outer shell i uphold isn’t so strong on the inside

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day 2037 – pink shirt day

wearing pink pants to the office to support anti-bullying day. this is one of the few times i will voluntarily wear something so bright because it’s a movement closer to my heart. i’ve been bullied in parts of my childhood because i was small and timid. as a result, i would not look like i can defend or stand up for myself. i guess that explains why i keep things inside my heart and my mind, and that’s developed a shell designed to protect my myself from danger

day 1991 – killarney rings

another term of killarney started today. like any start of a new term, the first day is always busy tending to new students and registrations. i sit in the empty dojo after everyone filed out and reflected on the day. i’m happy that the enrolment has grown this term; the number of registrants across saturday class is more than any previous terms since my instructor days began. i’m very happy that my taekwondo class has reached more people than ever before and looking to continue growing this sport and business as a whole

day 1522 – cavity checkĀ 

an extra unpleasant filling cause dentist said he had to use laser to cut some of the gum. that explains why i had four shots and still felt the numbing two hours into teaching. it makes eating difficult and it makes me hungry and not hungry at the same time. at the end of the day, i find myself a bit more disappointed with each passing day. it felt promising at times, but in the end i still haven’t been convinced. i’m still alone second guessing whether i’m only good and wanted when i’m willing to do what’s asked. it feels as though it’s more for the benefits and less of what my needs are. as long as i have this feeling, i will have my guard up and find ways to refuse it no matter deprived or not

day 1413 – patch processĀ 

after several weeks of being down, i’m still trying to come around to patch all my negative thoughts. during this period, i notice pessimism is still pretty high and emotionally weakened until patchwork is further along the way. thoughts still pour in when i see things unfold in front of me that i could only envy and wished that could be me. i don’t want to stay a negative person because it’s affecting me all around. the process is slow and somehow i’m still hesitant to speak as much

day 1387 – round and round

work and appointment went smoothly, yet it was still a bad day. even the sunshine didn’t change my state of mind. the little things really add up to a lot and i’ve realized more so of why i’m less happy. perhaps my inner self is starting to take exception to the diminishing consideration and respect. it sucks always being discredited and it sucks being secondary. it’s eating me up and i feel like my confidence is reaching an all time low. i lose sleep seeking self acceptance because i struggle to like myself for who i am

day 984 – water walks

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walking along the water just after sunset to wind down a great weekend full of activities. looking out into the water into the distant buildings and city lights gives us time to appreciate each other and recognize all that we have in our lives. never underestimate how a little time and the little things could add up to make a huge difference. cherish all the moments because time passes us by so much quicker than we expect it. so don’t let the chances slip away; express your thoughts, feelings with the deepest sincerity