day 1951 – where’s summer

the weather just got cold in a hurry and i can’t stop myself from thinking back to the summer heat. the things that we could do outdoors without having to think about frozen face and fingers. i walk outside and feel the chills even when i layer up with puffy jackets with scarves. i simply don’t enjoy the cold weathers as much and the amount of layers i have to wear just to stay warm

day 1900 – silly saturday

spent much time thinking and assessing how the things that’s become a norm in my life has shaped me. also spent some time reminiscing the summer time and times when i could go hike with the girls. it is not too cold to be out for hikes, beaches and barbecues, not to mention it gets dark by six. i didn’t do all that i wanted to this summer and now i’ll have to wait until the next summer rolls around. in the meantime, it’s time to start thinking about winter activities and how i could stay warm

day 1170 – tired brain

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some thoughts are really getting to me lately. it bugs me, but speaking my heart is hard. maybe i am just faulty or maybe i just need to suck it up and accept not being accepted. i try to not let these thoughts get in my head, but it’s only human. the storm is coming and i’m not looking forward to going outside; perhaps once this rainstorm is over, it’ll be over for me too

day 1070 – mccafe

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trying to be productive at mcdonalds requires iced coffee to keep me awake and alive. the reliance on coffee has become too strong; it’s the only way to sit down and get some work done. lots of work to be done and lots of thinking ahead. i’ve never seen these cute mini mccafe coffee cups before, but i guess i would not have if i didn’t make specific requests

give and receive

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recently each and every day is a mighty struggle because i am trapped in a battle against myself and within myself. regardless of what i go through, i try not to let problems surface and definitely don’t allow my mood to fluctuate. i never want my troubles to affect others because i am a strong and independent girl that ought to take care myself and not cause others to worry. truth is, i’ve been really troubled lately and i just don’t know what to do with myself. there are nights when i sit alone thinking about everything i am, everything i am not, and then eventually emotions get the better of me. sometimes i am uncertain what purpose i serve in society and why my existence even matters?? what exactly sets my heart on fire and where my passion lies?? this is a routine i would go through day in and day out, but so far i’ve come out empty handed majority of the time. every now and then, i would feel my strength as a person has been decreasing with every self destructing battle i fight. then i think to myself that life gave me those challenges because i am strong enough to live it. knowing nothing comes overnight, i can only carry on and stay positive that something will come along as long as i keep going. this is only one of the few challenges i will encounter in my life, and i am set on defeating it

day 1050 – phlegmatic

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keeping my cool and my emotions in check is never easy, but it’s something i ask of myself. there are days like this when i am unsure about everything including the purpose of my existence. it’s a dull day sitting in silence thinking of my imperfections, and then i would get mad at myself for the imperfections that i have. i would question and question time over time, but would have no answers to any of them. i just want to be better, but i can’t. i feel like a strange child that’s not comfortable with myself

 

day 849 – big decisions

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i think i made one of the biggest decision since my existence but i also think it’s a necessary one. i’ve been in limbo for quite some time but i kept quiet and tried to hide everything inside. today, i took a huge leap of faith and let go of something i really should have let go long ago, but was afraid to do so. i sat at starbucks to recollect myself because i wasn’t sure if i was aware what just happened. now it’s time to collect my thoughts and think about the steps i need to take moving forward. this was an all important decision and i believe it’s the right one because without it, i would continue to be a robot assuming my regular routine. this really forces me to focus on what i really needed to do – think about what’s best for me