a nobody

it’s not without reason that i have been eerily quiet about me and my life the past month. piecing together scattering thoughts, i have identified the main cause and finally come to reveal what’s going on. those who don’t know me may think it’s just mood swings, but it’s not. i have just quietly kept everything trapped inside and reserved all my feelings because i felt like a nobody. i felt like the relationship is no longer what it used to be. every time i see what this pair at the gym can do with each other, i can’t help when some enviousness creep in. the way they could be so down to earth and so supportive. and over the course of the weeks and months, i could see she’s feeding off of his support and making the gains of her fitness journey. i know not everyone envisions the same relationship goals, that’s just one of mine. tons of questions and uncertainties as to what the priorities really were. there’s been a lot of tears and negative thoughts going through my mind that i cannot slay. the nights were painful, the loneliness was strong and the darkness was enduring. for the last several weeks, i was under a lot of pressure where it got so much that i would unknowingly feel tears roll down when i’m idling alone at night. stupidly thinking that if i keep suppressing my feelings, it would eventually end. it obviously didn’t and weighed me down day after day. i couldnt hold it down any longer and finally erupted last night. the situation may not change overnight or change at all, but steps are required. at least i put it out there so mo know how i felt and what’s making me depressed. i don’t have a dependent persona, but maybe i need to be more independent than i already am

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day 1118 – fell off

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after having fended off my fries craving for a week, i fell off the tracks and finally gave in. didn’t make up any sleep last night after a crazy busy weekend. i felt really tired in the afternoon but strangely couldn’t fall asleep. when i finally did, i only managed eight minutes of napping. i was suppose to go to a house party but didn’t feel like i deserved to so just went for a walk instead. maybe the built up mental and physical fatigue led me to make this horrible decision. i don’t know what went into me, but i just can’t let myself make these poor decisions again

day 1079 – partner in crime

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there were uncalled emotional moments which i couldn’t suppress. tears happened because i have been pretending to be strong for too long. i can count on him knowing he wants to be there during my worst and toughest moments. it has been very tough lately, but i know it’s much easier to weather the storm together. happy for the passing of another month; keeping it strong and keeping it real throughout

day 972 – oyster sauce

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having a whole broccoli head all to myself because i pigged out too much last couple days. i’ve worked on keeping myself accountable leading up to competition, but the last couple days has been very difficult. all that stress has gotten the better part of me and i find suppressing has been harder and harder. if eating bland is going to get me back on track, then eating bland it is. my eating has gone awry to the point where it’s probably slightly unhealthy

day 658 – supress cravings

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it is so difficult to suppress random food cravings especially so when i am stressed out. and then it’s that moment when i finally manage to suppress my sushi craving, but then end up getting something else even more unhealthy instead. it probably would have been a wiser choice if i went to bed earlier instead of going out to grab some fast food at some ungodly hour

day 528 – thirst craving

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it’s bad when i am secretly craving milk tea, especially at midnight. this was milk tea i had during my visit to taiwan and it also tops all milk teas i ever tasted. too bad i shouldn’t have this cause there’s way too much sugar in these drinks for my own good, need to find a way to suppress these craving, but i find i always have trouble controlling myself. i think i just need to make myself go to bed and everything will be alright