day 1590 Рbeneath 

i didn’t have to come today but i didn’t know what to do with myself when my mind doesn’t stop going. struggles still pop up though all this time i denied i was hurt much deeper than the surface. here i am on a friday night trying to workout like i have nothing else better to do. i have to step back, take a deep breath and remind myself i didn’t do anything wrong

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day 1502 Рautopilot 

no more autopilot moving forward because i’ve had enough of dormancy. made some ballsy moves just to make this happen; laying down a few protocols and making a few adjustments. i don’t like the way things are going and it’s about time i raise the bar for myself. i’m still struggling with pain in too many parts of my body but i’m taking painkillers everyday just so it gives me a chance to step it up. the harder it hurts, the more frustrated i get so the more i push. maybe that’s why its having snowballing effect

self shamed

i would be in a better place if only i could see eye to eye with this quote. getting bashed is something i’ve gotten too used to growing up. for years and years, i’ve always struggled with confidence, mainly self confidence. never came naturally and at times questioned if it even exists. i always thought of all my imperfections and in my mind i always had a vision of what perfect is. i thought i had found some latter part of last year when i was at my peak and everything felt well, but that has diminished. being a person that’s largely affected by other’s words, i take every put down personal. lately i’ve fallen depressed and almost ashamed of myself in so many ways. i wasn’t happy nor satisfied with my mental state, physique and features and even where i am within the society. i can’t be the perfect daughter, i can’t be the perfect girl, i can’t have the perfect job, i can’t have the perfect personality, i can’t have the perfect physique – i simply can’t be perfect. this self hate sucks because i would feel the need to purposely beat myself up or starve myself. losing sleep thinking over and over again what i need to get the self confidence back. it’s been a struggle learning to accept myself for who i am

day 1191 – shroom burger

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in front of me was the eastside craft house mushroom swiss burger because mo refused to let me order the double chicken patty burger; this pig says i always waste food because i can’t finish it. i’ve struggled a lot with eating over the past year; over the past months i’ve tried really hard to fix it and it’s showing signs of being normal now. fixing process and long and arduous, let’s hope i never wreck my metabolism again. one day, one day i’ll order it and finish my food

day 1014 – packing away

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i like going on vacations and i travel out to competitions often, but packing is not one of my favourite things to do. the crew and i are flying out to nationals tomorrow. i had all day to pack, but still never got around to it until night time rolled around. it’s late at night and i am finally struggling to gather the gear and things that i will be needing. let’s hope i can wake up early enough to double check because i am very forgetful

day 998 – under serving

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some days i feel out of it and today is one of them where i am just really not feeling coaching and training. being at taekwondo made me sad on this day because i am struggling to find the motivation to pick myself up. the competition week is fast approaching and my preparedness is far from being competition ready. this is a big one, but my a-game is nowhere to be found. all i want to do in avoid thinking about it and hope it gets out of my head. i know this can’t continue and i am searching for a fix

day 765 – painter’s touch

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going back to august long weekend when i was helping my parents paint their room two-toned orange. seems like just yesterday it was the beginning of august and now we are onto september. so glad another long weekend is ahead and i can take this time to gather myself with all the struggles as of late. hopefully this will be a good time off to find some much needed answers before i try to kill myself