day 1465 – victim

i had a lot of trouble sleeping tonight. what makes me such a good victim for people to hurt and take advantage of. i guess my feelings can be swept aside, guess promises can be broken, guess what i like or don’t like doesn’t matter anyways. at first i didn’t think i was fat but being repeatedly called that makes me believe i am indeed fat and repeatedly makes me skip meals. even after long days i force myself through the fatigue to come here simply cause i can’t eat unless i exercise. today is one of those days where i’m feeling completely burned out from a fifty eight hour work week but still dragged myself to workout because my dinner is not yet earned

day 1366 – lingering effects

slowly getting back to normally but there’s lingering effects both physically and mentally. somehow i am still hesitant and scared to eat regular food, or maybe i’m just worried i’ll get fat again. i’m hollow and empty inside, but i persuade myself i can wait it out. it’s one of those things i’d rather endure than being hurt and be scarred time after time. it affects me more than i’d ever want to talk about it

feelings or not

through the years of breaking and mending myself, i can confirm that pain tolerance is something i’m well developed with. it’s as if people assume i either don’t have feelings to show for or my feelings don’t matter regardless. people often don’t see how damaging words can be; only the person on the receiving end can truly feel the impact. i can confirm that i’ve trained myself to not have feelings because even if i once had, it should be defected by now. i learned that i will never voice my displeasure and not show any emotions even when i’m clearly uncomfortable taking them in. my emotions are kept in the safest place beneath the impermeable layers . i’m constantly being reminded that no matter what i do, nothing will be good enough because their perceptions will always remain. i guess some just finds pleasure in making others feel bad and undeserving; and they’ve succeeded to ingrain that in me on many different levels. whatever their intentions are, if saying such things satisfies their needs, so be it because being selfless is something i strive for. when negative comments are fired, all i have to do is deactivate what’s left of my feelings and everything will be okay