self shamed

i would be in a better place if only i could see eye to eye with this quote. getting bashed is something i’ve gotten too used to growing up. for years and years, i’ve always struggled with confidence, mainly self confidence. never came naturally and at times questioned if it even exists. i always thought of all my imperfections and in my mind i always had a vision of what perfect is. i thought i had found some latter part of last year when i was at my peak and everything felt well, but that has diminished. being a person that’s largely affected by other’s words, i take every put down personal. lately i’ve fallen depressed and almost ashamed of myself in so many ways. i wasn’t happy nor satisfied with my mental state, physique and features and even where i am within the society. i can’t be the perfect daughter, i can’t be the perfect girl, i can’t have the perfect job, i can’t have the perfect personality, i can’t have the perfect physique – i simply can’t be perfect. this self hate sucks because i would feel the need to purposely beat myself up or starve myself. losing sleep thinking over and over again what i need to get the self confidence back. it’s been a struggle learning to accept myself for who i am

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eating habit

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i don’t know what exactly is going on, i just know that something is not right. i packed and planned what to eat daily, but i somehow accidentally on purpose refuse to eat. after a day’s work, a workout and a night of dodgeball, i find myself sitting at eight hundred. the outrageously low intake is slightly worrisome especially on a day like this when i have so much exertion. because i stack my schedule with back to back to backs, i don’t put eating as a priority. i get home not sure if i should eat or just sleep. i know for a fact my stomach is empty, but i tell myself that as long as i can fall sleep, it will solve the problem

day 1253 – hearty meal

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all my favourite dishes were on the dinner table because i’m finally home for dinner on last day before parents leave for mexico. it’s her way of saying it’s good to have me home for dinner for once. it was a great homecooked meal; i enjoyed every dish and stuffed myself too much. i have yet to get back on track with eating the way i would like to and that needs to be done starting tomorrow. now that she’s going on vacation, i might as well not cook to solve that problem

day 665 – learns to cook

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a proud moment cooking lunch and dinner for myself, all by myself. here’s some healthy looking salmon fillet so i don’t starve myself while my parents left me for travelling. i am no iron chef by all means, but watching all those cooking shows are paying off now. i would like to take all the credit even though all i had to do was put it in the oven and it would cook itself

day 617 – swept it

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i know they just restocked but i literally swept their shelves clean of their snack bars. will be extremely hectic in the upcoming weeks; no time for real meals where everything is on the go, so loading up while supplies last. they will be of high demand while i go through this phase and i will have to adjust to them. at least these don’t taste like cardboard or else it would be really rough and i might starve to death. busy life doesn’t make any excuses for not eating or going for fast food, i still try to get my protein in

day 252 – breakfast

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the toaster didn’t like my bread and burnt my one and only slice of bread left in my kitchen, now what am i going to eat for breakfast?? it’s probably a smarter choice to starve and refrain intake of possible cancerous food. at least i can make an excuse and eat a bigger lunch this afternoon