day 1555 – victim 

i had a lot of trouble sleeping tonight. what makes me such a good victim for people to hurt and take advantage of. i guess my feelings can be swept aside, guess promises can be broken, guess what i like or don’t like doesn’t matter anyways. at first i didn’t think i was fat but being repeatedly called that makes me believe i am indeed fat and repeatedly makes me skip meals. even after long days i force myself through the fatigue to come here simply cause i can’t eat unless i exercise. today is one of those days where i’m feeling completely burned out from a fifty eight hour work week but still dragged myself to workout because my dinner is not yet earned

day 1525 – monotonous 

another day and another sleep deprived night. it was hard enough to fall asleep, but it was harder to stay asleep; i couldn’t stop waking up thinking i overslept. the discomfort today got so much i resorted to some tylenol so to dull the discomfort. for the rest of the day it felt like a drag and i wasn’t really present. i had no appetite by dinner time i didn’t even bother. affected me everywhere at rehab and even just lying down

day 1523 – rehab progress

had trouble falling asleep last night after one day of sleeping in. it’s stat but up early and in the office for half day to get some work done before rehab and stuff. the moment when i tell my kineis my legs are sore and he assigns me paused squats. the sessions are going well and i do feel i’m improving quickly. i like what i’m learning and it gives me a lot to work with. he definitely worked me pretty hard today but i like how he’s pushing me when he sees that i can get better quicker. he’s realized he can throw me into the deep end and i’ll swim

day 1477 – round and round

work and appointment went smoothly, yet it was still a bad day. even the sunshine didn’t change my state of mind. the little things really add up to a lot and i’ve realized more so of why i’m less happy. perhaps my inner self is starting to take exception to the diminishing consideration and respect. it sucks always being discredited and it sucks being secondary. it’s eating me up and i feel like my confidence is reaching an all time low. i lose sleep seeking self acceptance because i struggle to like myself for who i am

day 1469 – icbc rehab

the bad just got worse and now i’m put on a long chiro rehab program through icbc. the quality of life is just not there at the moment and i really want to give up. there’s no comfortable position between sitting, standing and laying down; basic mobility is compromised to the point where the pain keeps me from sleeping. it’s been a horrid week sleep deprived, not being able to go to gym, not playing sports like normal, not able to be myself. it’s asking for too much from me when i have reduce some of my physical activities and even hold off in some cases. i try not appear in pain but even staying strong has its limits and i’ve reached it. i don’t know if restricting all my sports is easier or death

day 1304 – crummy friday 

it doesn’t take much time make me feel crummy – just a sleeplessness night and some unjust comments. i couldn’t stop thinking about it and how it made me more uncomfortable. what’s also uncomfortable is my hip, glute and now my quad from the bench fall. somehow i’ll have to get through this thirteen hour work day in a fifteen hour span. i can only convince myself it’s good to be friday although i’ll spend my weekend at taekwondo too

day 1303 – gstring 

just as we expected, we were bumped up to tier 2 after the retier. we’ll most likely stick in this tier for the remainder of the season so these are good matchups come playoffs. i was suppose to ease up for my legs’ sake but somehow ended up falling over a bench mid game. photoweek got more interesting when gstrings showed up with our lingerie. i was really bothered by some issues were brought to my attention at the end of the day and that kept my up at night