day 1405 – rendering

still made it to work feeling unwell since i need to crank out renderings for client. adamant on my gym routines after work regardless. part of my workout came to a halt when i felt sharp pain in my hip. i rested a little and popped some painkillers before leaving the gym with limbs shaking. sharp pain hit me again mid way through a dodgeball game; my hip felt paralyzed for a second and i couldn’t bend over. i have yet to play a robot night without pain and never knew how much this car accident would impact my daily life and movement. but what hurts most going home wasn’t my hip but my heart. this time i can’t really brush it off and pretend i’m okay with it

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silencing

the last week or two has been overtly stressful when i should be practicing but can’t. every waking hour means it’s closer to competition day, yet all i can do is feel hopelessly antsy and frustrated that i have to stay put. on top of that, i’ve been put under a lot of undue pressure to take on more than i already have. my plate is beyond full and i don’t know how i can possible pile more on without toppling over. the stress is making me lose sleep, lose appetite, lose my words and lose passion. being quiet is not a source of outlet, but i’m not sure if i’ll be understood even if i speak. who would actually relate to  how i feel and why?? as another competition nears, i just want to focus on that but looks like that’s too much to ask for. the pressure is once again getting to me and i feel less ready both physically and mentally. the pressure of expectations is both internal and external; i can’t bear to leave people disappointed and almost want to apologize prior to the event. this is really not the time to fold. i hate how i am weakest when i need to be the strongest. where do i search to find the strength to carry forward

林奕匡 – 一雙手

a song that’s been looping endlessly especially when i’m at loss of words. sometimes i think i have found what i’m looking for, i have what i want, and then those thoughts vanish. these thoughts leave me hanging and instills a lot of self doubt. lately i’m feeling a little upset at myself and i’m trying hard not to let that to spill over to others. this song resonates for me; it gives me a boost and a reason to continue even when i’m uncertain

day 180 – define

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i have let this sit for too long so if this continues and i sense no resolution coming soon, don’t mind me if i suddenly explode out of my silence for the better or for the worse. i will not allow someone to disrespect me like that cause i am not a stepping stone just so you can find a reason to feel better about yourself