i am sad my phone took a hard fall. it’s like it had a bone fracture except it doesn’t grow back together in six weeks. the day didn’t go well – not feeling good, didn’t make my lifts and not being productive. maybe the turn of the calendar signifies summer vacation is through and competition training schedule is set to start up next week. the pressure is really starting to hit me now that offseason is over. offseason training was good because i got a chance to focus on new things and not worry about coaching, cutting and activity restrictions. the grind will soon begin, am i prepared??
i have been troubled and drowning in my own thoughts which has me staying up late and thinking a lot lately. over the years, taekwondo has given me a lot to look forward to and a lot to be proud of, but that’s not to say it hasn’t given all sorts of pressure and stress. one could say competition has given me a sense of belonging, because it’s also where i found out that i too, could succeed. it’s taken my next to zero confidence and upping that to a level of being confident enough to step out on the mats alone and get things done. somehow, i feel competing is not what it used to be for me. i always felt the pressure leading up to each competition, but never have i felt it so intensely that i’ve become super stressed out and almost numb. is it a sign that i’m not doing it as a passion? is there such thing as a “martial arts block” like a “writer’s block”? sometimes i can’t differentiate if i am fulfilling my job to compete just because i’ve been doing so all along. i’m unsure whether it’s expected of me, or if it’s a self chosen decision. what makes this one different than the ones in the past that gives me so much more undue stress? a lot to be honest. first of all, i’m no longer under the coaches i’m used to, but directly under the watchful eyes of the grandmaster. second, my parents play a big factor. they seemingly have no expectations for my competition game because they have doubted me from the first day i took on taekwondo, but somehow still appears to have so much expectation. they never expected me to get anywhere close to blackbelt and even sought every opportunity to pry me away from the sport. the results at nationals really isn’t my focal point nor the reason i go to nationals. it wasn’t in the past, and this year’s isn’t any different. competing at such a high level is definitely a privilege i don’t take lightly. it’s an eye opener that’s all about the experience and through that i’ve gained so much more. i hope the grandmaster and others see it in the same light, but sometimes i am afraid of those who put a lot more weight in results and standings. i hate not living up to expectations and i hate letting people down; maybe i’ve done it way too much in the past. luckily, i am still able to find bright spots of supportive casts to put everything into perspective and make sure i keep going strong. they let me know that as long as i do everything within my powers and give it everything i got, i should have no regrets. so bottom line is – stop self doubting and stop second guessing, just get my shit together, work my ass off and let the rest play itself out
checking in a month into the new year. it’s time to set my february goals straight, but before i do that, a quick reflection on january. i didn’t do terribly bad for january goals but i really should have done better. a rough month it was, suffering with uncertainties and going through with tough decisions. it’s safe to say the stresses got the better of me in the latter half of the month but enough of letting my emotions get the best of me. moving right along because what’s passed is past so not going to dwell on it. february is a short month, but doesn’t mean i ease up when it comes to goal setting. in fact, it’s the exact opposite of that cause i have some hefty goals awaiting with lots of gains to be made. this only means it gives me very little room for deviation as i stomp on the gas pedal and run full steam ahead. it’s all about knowing what’s important to me, setting my priorities straight, sticking to the game plan and staying the course. i’m feeling oddly motivated to get my shit together for february and do what needs to be done. it’s about time i learn to clean up my act and learn a little something about accountability. all i am just asking of myself is to give it my all and be the best i can be. for once, be able to live up to expectations and turn some doubters’ head while doing so. i’m going to be one ambitious chick looking to score big this month and nothing can stop me now
a series of crazy and unfortunate events that occurred the past couple weeks really put my progress to a halt and even taken many unwanted steps backwards. now that the results have come back negative and clears me for my activities again, i have no excuse to go anywhere but forward. now that i am back on my two feet and with much more reassurance, rehab needs to start immediately and i can’t sit around and wait any longer for things to come to me. it’s never enough to speak of it, actions are required. if i am hungry for it, just go out and get what i want, a simple theory that tends to elude me. it is a very simple process of setting a long term goal, and never stop chasing it until you can grasp it with your own two hands. until that day i meet the standards set, i will not be proud of myself. i am tired of being the old me that only wished but never worked hard for them. now it’s time to work my ass off for no one but myself, i am ready to create v2.0
the people i have been surrounded by have played a tremendous role in shaping me for who i am. they provided me with much guidance, endless advice and mentorship that influenced my growth as a human being. i have had many people guiding and pushing me every step of the way, either dragging me back on track whenever i stray away or making sure i don’t slack off when i shouldn’t be. i know for a fact, without the team behind the scenes attending to me when i fall apart, i probably wouldn’t be walking today. they have constantly given me motivations to train harder and train smarter to get better and get stronger. it is through them i learned that i must put in the work and work for what i want in order to continue playing the sports of my life. the coaches and teammates i’ve had the privilege of playing with and learning from also played a significant role. they have taught me the true meaning of teamwork, that we ought to work hard for each other. lots of credit goes to the instructors that inspired me and showed me to way to higher ground. i have come a long way from the beginning of my taekwondo journey, but i won’t stop knowing there’s still a long way to go to get to a level i never imagined i could be at. i am hoping one day i would be looked up upon, to be mentoring and inspiring others to become what they could never have imagined
having a busy schedule is good because that means i am always productive and proactive. my schedule is usually packed seven days a week, twenty four hours a day, and often needing more time in a day to squeeze everything in to accommodate everyone. it can also be very tiresome because i am always stepping on the gas pedal as hard as i can dashing from one errand to the next. but is accommodating and meeting everyone’s needs my top priority and the sole purpose of living? sometimes, i do wish to have more time for myself away from the rest of the world. aside from taking care of business in the public scheme of things, there are also planning, thinking and number crunching tasks that goes behind the scenes that often gets overlooked. these things tend to be handled in my spare time, which so happens to be time sacrificed from eating and sleeping. i like my personal space and enjoy time alone but it’s very hard to come by. when i am alone, i am able to sit there in silence and reflect on things while putting things into its proper perspective. i find being at the gym gives me that sense of privacy where i can plug in my headphones and shut off the rest of the world. the same can be found when training at taekwondo outside of class time, when all those annoying people don’t interfere at all the wrong times. it’s one of those moments that i will do my thing so don’t you dare come into my bubble while i am in my zone focusing on myself
for kids, bumps and bruises, sprains and breaks heal quickly. but once the teens passes you by, you realize these problems persist longer than what you are used to. you can no longer be as carefree when attempting something because that innocence starts to leave your mind and childhood is inevitably leaving your body. that’s for normal people, but it’s an entirely different story for me. i started getting injured at a very early age and because sports is my passion, it makes it my weakness. my personality and lack of patience doesn’t allow me to rest long enough before going back out and playing again. without letting it heal properly like it should, i push it far too hard much too soon. i have been fortunate i have had an awesome physio overlooking me for over the past dozen years cause without him, i either will not be walking today, or wouldn’t be involved in any of the sports. because of the team that supports me in the back end, i can continue to do the things i love. when i was younger, i never fully understood why they were forcing me to do all these training and boring rehab exercises, but i slowly come to realize what they put me through is only for my own good. ever since then, i told myself i would make that change by listening to them and letting them push me as hard as they see fit. it gives me the satisfication to look back at when i first started and notice how much better and stronger i have gotten over the years and the work and effort i pitched in are finally starting to pay off. the deal is simple, i do my maintenance work and take care of my body the right way, then i get to go out and do my thing. i need to continually get stronger in order to get better at what i do and be the best that i can be. taking care of my body is definitely top priority in the long run. and when i stray away from that, my wallpaper and backgrounds act as a reminder to always shut up and train