day 1558 – me menu

called everything off and put myself and only myself on today’s menu cause i need time alone to set my priorities straight. absolutely no work related tasks today – no work for the first time in sixteen days. i was going down the wrong path of cramming work in to avoid idle time which in turn has even more negative effect on my mental health. can’t say i’m not a workaholic but then realized i was more burnt out than ever. so first time sleeping in until eight, helped my parents moved furniture, went for a workout and cleaned my room. that is not to say i don’t see the relationship struggles, but we’ll both be working on it together. i do feel better thinking i’ve reset my priorities and reorganized my life for the upcoming week

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day 1092 – in isolation

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i intentionally trapped myself in my own world today. i didn’t leave the house, didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to think, didn’t want to eat, didn’t want to do anything. i feel more so stressed and hopeless; i have nothing to prove. it all works to my advantage since my ankle couldn’t move anyways. some disturbing thoughts floated around my mind today, but they were dismissed before it got too far. nothing was done as if today never happened

day 716 – take me back

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take me back home to where i belong. where the night meets the day seamlessly and not much could get in the way of me and my dreams. when i thought i had friends that would last forever and get me through tough times. what i dreamt i would accomplish and make a difference in this world. who i thought i would become to be strong enough to withstand. how i thought i would live my life, standing affront the beach and gazing out at sunset

reset in order

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through my struggles in the last little while to get past some major mental block where i have attempted to shut off the world and kind of turned against myself. during this stretch, my confidence level wavered immensely because i am unsure where i am headed and unsure if where i want to go is even plausible. is this what i thought i wanted what i truly want to pursue or am i just doing it for the sake of doing it? so many of questions along the same line popped out in my head and i kept questioning myself. it is scary to think that i myself don’t even have any of these critical answers. after hermitting and mulling about these uncertainties for several days, i think i am creeping closer to getting my answers. i think i see the light in the darkness, but the rest is really up to me because it’s mental thing more than anything. i need to train and build up my mentality game to be ready for my competition game. i have been involved in competitions nonstop without any rest, and a mental exhaustion is probably the main spur of this endless self crushing mental block. so for now, i think it’s best for me to step back to look at the broader picture. when something is obviously not going right, it calls for a break to make some adjustments. i am not sure how short or how long of a break i need, but i am positive that when i make my return, i will be stronger and better in every way

resolution series: [fourteen] personal space

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having a busy schedule is good because that means i am always productive and proactive. my schedule is usually packed seven days a week, twenty four hours a day, and often needing more time in a day to squeeze everything in to accommodate everyone. it can also be very tiresome because i am always stepping on the gas pedal as hard as i can dashing from one errand to the next. but is accommodating and meeting everyone’s needs my top priority and the sole purpose of living? sometimes, i do wish to have more time for myself away from the rest of the world. aside from taking care of business in the public scheme of things, there are also planning, thinking and number crunching tasks that goes behind the scenes that often gets overlooked. these things tend to be handled in my spare time, which so happens to be time sacrificed from eating and sleeping. i like my personal space and enjoy time alone but it’s very hard to come by. when i am alone, i am able to sit there in silence and reflect on things while putting things into its proper perspective. i find being at the gym gives me that sense of privacy where i can plug in my headphones and shut off the rest of the world. the same can be found when training at taekwondo outside of class time, when all those annoying people don’t interfere at all the wrong times. it’s one of those moments that i will do my thing so don’t you dare come into my bubble while i am in my zone focusing on myself

day 505 – drained

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feeling awfully drained and really needing a break. no doubt i knew there would come a time when my mind and body will not allow me to continue with the kind of schedule i run on. its been wearing down on me for over half a year and now my mind is ready to go on strike. i wake up everyday feeling crappy and even more so exhausted knowing the things i have to get through day after day. all i want to do is shut off the world and finish what i have to do. it’s christmas season and all i am too drained to even enjoy it. i try to hide all that stress and pretend everything is okay because i don’t want to put it upon anyone else but somehow it’s showing through my shell. i need a break, i know its not time yet, but i know it’s coming in a couple more weeks

day 251 – dig deep

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shutting myself off from the world and staying away from places that created all the frustration and uncertainties. taking all the bashing and fustigation and putting into perspective and using that to ignite the fight in me. trying to clear up my mind, refresh my soul and reenergize myself to continue moving forward in the path i have chosen. recognizing the only option i have is to dig deep and persevere, is the words of a good friend of mine