day 2511 – squats and shit

morning squat session was a little ego damaging if i even had any to begin with. i set out to do one fifty five for three reps, but had to lower that expectation and couldn’t even manage two good reps on my own. what made it worse is i hyperextended my left knee again during tricking class on something i shouldn’t have been so careless with. i don’t know how damaged my knee and ligaments are, but all the bad thoughts went through my head. it could be a long, long time until i get to drink bubble tea again. i wouldn’t be able to land a new tricking move, i wouldn’t be able to cut down to my goal weight, i wouldn’t hit my two plate deadlift or my one eighty five squat. none of these can be achieved in order for me to lift my bubble tea ban

day 2376 – not deserving

i felt like crap after training because i simply couldn’t replicate and connect my cartwheel with anything going backwards. i wanted help but no chance because he’s too focused helping one person. left the gym disappointed beating myself up. i didn’t deserve to eat so i went straight home so i wouldn’t tear up in front of people. whenever i don’t do what i need to, i would punish myself with no food because eating needs to be earned

day 2333 – hit and runned

shitty coming out of the gym after a workout to find your car was hit and runned. i can’t believe steve nash doesn’t have any security cameras outside in their parking lot. they’re going to resort to tim horton’s camera from across and hoping it’s angled to see more of the parking lot. i sure hope i find this criminal so not only do i not have to pay deductible, but i can also report this is icbc as a criminal offense

day 2242 – toppled over

i felt exactly like the cupcake today – toppled over and dysfunctional. i was hoping to go to open gym tonight because i had the day off tomorrow, but i was in no shape or form to do so. during parts of the day, i took some tylenol to alleviate whatever was making me feel sick and pukey. even took a lengthy nap expecting to wake up with some improvement. it’s definitely a write off kind of day

day 839 – not right

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i had a great weekend, only up to the moment i realize i had disobeyed all that i said i would do. i am fighting myself and feeling torn inside because i walked in with a number in mind but went well beyond that limit, i don’t know how it got so out of hand. it’s only finally hitting me hard today, the wheels have really fallen off and i don’t even know where to begin to pick myself up. what a heart felt disappointment when i have regretfully misused the trust others had in me. i failed others and most importantly i have failed myself. need to learn that discipline is choosing between what i want now and what i want most. perhaps i must be stricter and harder on myself and start my climb from the bottom again. i guess i deserved to have both my pinkies sprained during practice