day 2457 – whiskey hazelnut

earnest is a luxury that i save only to indulge as a reward. i had a rather rough week coping internally, especially in training. whenever there’s any sign of improvement in my knee, a setback happens like excessive inflammation during drills or walking into a car. what made me content is that even though things didn’t go well, i kept up with the training. it’s important to keep drilling, but it’s equally important to accept that some things may not be at it’s best and that’s when i can work on other skills

day 1869 – apparatuses

didn’t spend any time at my own desk this morning. i had a good long meeting with the director followed by the bpdt team. constant meetings is very draining so really looking forward to getting off work and onto my way to practice some acrobatic stuff. felt a little tight and lethargic, didn’t really feel good about my back tucks. progress has been really slow, and i’m disappointed to say the least. i’m sure a lot of setbacks as to do with my ongoing shoulder woes

day 1173 – no go

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concluded my month-long debate with a tough decision. my team was shocked with the news, but concerned about my well-being. i’m passing on president cup as i didn’t have enough training time to feel prepared for an international event. i do have every intention to compete at the grassroot competition on the same weekend; couldn’t pass up on both events because my heart wants to compete. there’s no way of hiding my disappointment. i felt so dejected there was no way i could get my head in it to practice today. perhaps when i wake up tomorrow morning, i might feel relieved that at least a decision was made. only time will heal both wounds

atelphobia

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some days are better than other days, but lately many days i feel like i just can’t be good enough. i sit alone in the dark thinking about everything i could be and should be. it hurts to think that no matter what i do, i can never live up to my own expectations; no matter how hard i try, i don’t deserve it. time after time, there’s obstacles and setbacks in my path obstructing me from making my goals and dreams a reality. sometimes i think it’s better not to isolate myself because i will overthink without a doubt, but often i find myself opting to be alone because i don’t want others to see my tears. i know it’s a selfish act to shut off the world, but i don’t think others would appreciate the negativity and most would never understand where i am coming from anyway. i prefer to maintain that protective exterior shell instead of exposing what’s really within. ever since i started losing myself, the times i’ve had emotional outbreaks far exceeds the amount of occurrences i average in the past couple years. there are times like now when tears just uncontrollably roll down my face without reason, but it’s simply because i’ve been pretending to be strong in front of others for too long. i must admit i was stupid enough to let disturbing thoughts float around my mind, but i am tired of pretending; i can’t carry on so something must end – either it or me. i tried to cry myself to sleep hoping tomorrow will be the day i have a better idea of who i am and the purpose i serve. am i a nobody that only disappoints those who naively didn’t give up on me yet?? i am so frustrated at myself for not knowing how to be good enough. when will i figure it out and get back to my norm??

solo series [day ten]

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since weather forecast said both osaka and kyoto are affected by rain, we decided it’s not worth the trip out to kyoto and will postpone it for next day. that was my que to sleep in and make up for the lack of sleep. we spent our morning in shinsaibashi, a 600 metre covered street mall, and shopped until lunch time. we were fortunate it didn’t start raining until 5pm and that’s when we made our way back to b&b

for the second straight day, i elected to not go out for dinner. this gives me some personal time and a chance to do a circuit. that’s no replacement for gym sessions, but i will have to make do with it until i get back. all that pigging out and no training is not boding well. i’m worried the time away from gym has set me back many steps

i clearly didn’t learn enough from watching anime. menus with only japanese characters are pretty meaningless to me which makes ordering impossible. the only way for me to remember the names is to translate them into chinese; they all sound so absurd i end up making fun of them

i have yet to have a video chat with mo while i am in japan; it’s very difficult based on time difference. we still exchange messages very frequently. i know that he’s taken this time to reconnect with his close friends

day 998 – under serving

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some days i feel out of it and today is one of them where i am just really not feeling coaching and training. being at taekwondo made me sad on this day because i am struggling to find the motivation to pick myself up. the competition week is fast approaching and my preparedness is far from being competition ready. this is a big one, but my a-game is nowhere to be found. all i want to do in avoid thinking about it and hope it gets out of my head. i know this can’t continue and i am searching for a fix

day 935 – start again

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my elbow is still up to no good and my thumb is also banged up. setbacks are bound to occur every now and then so i decided not to hang my head and start again today. sometimes things happen for a reason and through all that i will persevere and come out stronger each time. despite much of the day spent at taekwondo, gym is gym and that never stops no matter what condition my body is in

stumbling

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i can’t be certain if my mind and my heart will still be in one piece come end of this month. there were so many times this month when i sat alone in the dark wanting to cry, wanting to run myself through the wall, wanting to pull my hair out and wanting to quit everything. but then, when i think about it again, what good with that do?? would it solve all the problems and frustrations i have at hand?? before i did anything careless, i managed to step back to gather myself and viewed things from a broader angle. stumbling is part of life, falling down is a must because that’s when you learn what you are made of. i’m sure all the greats have fallen at some point in the lifetime but somehow they managed to get to where they are now. i know i had to make some big and extremely tough decisions lately, but i made them and will be able to live with it for the rest of my life. there’s a lot of things in my life worth striving for, a lot to look forward to in the future. i shouldn’t let one or two or a few setbacks dictate and ruin my life. i promised myself i would only give myself a week to dwell and regroup, but after that, i will once again find the determination to move closer to my dreams and goals

fight for it

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very, very late last night, i finally gathered the courage and came to a tough decision to pass up on this year’s us open. this may be a rare opportunity in my lifetime to partake in such a massive event of exceptional calibre. i never ever in my life imagined myself being granted this opportunity but maybe because of that, it instilled so much fear in me. it would have been a superb experience, but not one that i felt i was ready to take on alone. i didn’t feel like my physical capabilities nor my mental game was ready for this level of competition. i can’t deny i am very disappointed i choose to back out of these opens because it’s something i’ve been really looking forward to for months and months. sometimes i think i would hate myself for letting this chance slip away, but it’s a decision i made and one that i will be able to live with. i know that this decision was as tough on me as it was for those who devoted so much time and energy in me – with their heart and soul and giving me only positive encouragements. there’s several individuals i want to single out for they were always around to listen to all my rants, troubles and everything in between. but none more so than the hardass nazi who never stopped believing in me, who listened to my many insecurities and tried to put everything into perspective in order to will me to take the challenge. i can’t express my gratitude for all the support i have received along the way. i am sorry i couldn’t make this happen, i wished i could find the inner strength to carry through with this. i may seem down and out at the moment, but with time i will recuperate and bounce back stronger than before. i haven’t lost my passion for competing, it’s simply a little setback that i must overcome. moving forward, i will work extra hard to better prepare myself for nationals. it’s going to happen

day 749 – lower than low

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having one of those low moments and needing a pick me up kinda day. i think i have developed ptsd and feeling as low as i have ever been. rarely am i able to admit fear but i have no other explanation except exactly that. i haven’t got a solution as to how to fix or address the problem. all i know is it is way past normal bedtime hours but i am lying in bed unable to fall asleep because i am in thoroughly disappointment, it bothers me more than anything