day 1498 – hiatus

having a hard time accepting the point it’s gotten to and where it’s headed. the hiatus must be changed because i feel it has regressed. i’m not going to settle for less because satisfactory just doesn’t cut it. when asked what i’m getting in return from all my sacrifices, i really couldn’t answer. now that i think about it, i’ve sacrificed myself too much without really much in return just because i let my limits be pushed. the accumulated frustration of neglected feelings and my well-being is tarting to show and i hate to think that i’m only called upon when i can be of benefit. i was warned that i’ll reach the point of snapping when i’m fed up with the one-sidedness

feelings or not

img_20200204_1835507134209773299313378.jpgthrough the years of breaking and mending myself, i can confirm that pain tolerance is something i’m well developed with. it’s as if people assume i either don’t have feelings to show for or my feelings don’t matter regardless. people often don’t see how damaging words can be; only the person on the receiving end can truly feel the impact. i can confirm that i’ve trained myself to not have feelings because even if i once had, it should be defected by now. i learned that i will never voice my displeasure and not show any emotions even when i’m clearly uncomfortable taking them in. my emotions are kept in the safest place beneath the impermeable layers . i’m constantly being reminded that no matter what i do, nothing will be good enough because their perceptions will always remain. i guess some just finds pleasure in making others feel bad and undeserving; and they’ve succeeded to ingrain that in me on many different levels. whatever their intentions are, if saying such things satisfies their needs, so be it because being selfless is something i strive for. when negative comments are fired, all i have to do is deactivate what’s left of my feelings and everything will be okay