self discovery

img_20200204_2300039086522560560800566.jpgit was more or less a self-wrecking week with so many internal and external forces pushing up against me. it was all a combination of stress from competition, school, work, people but none more so than myself. the road has not been easy as i have felt myself slowly dying inside but i didn’t want to confront and address it. it hurts to know that leakage of my stresses was stressing out others. no one has a clue what is going on in my head and it’s probably better kept that way. i’m disappointed at myself for not handling myself better and keeping my emotions a little tighter. the last thing i want is to be a burden to anyone and add unncessary flavour to anyone; i made up my mind that interacting less and speaking less will be helpful. i felt safe that way just to eliminate any chance of doing or saying the wrong things. sometimes i wonder why i need feelings when i’m better off without them. during this time, i spent some time reading quotes and looking for inspiration to get me through this stretch. i’m already at a point of self-destruction, there’s nowhere else to go but up. i know i’m strong enough to get through these ruts, and in case i’m not, i need to find a way to become stronger. i do believe i’ll find my way out and the better is on its way

day 762 – self destructive

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monday blues definitely hit me really hard. woke up with a headache and feeling crappy overall, not wanting to get out of bed, unable to be productive and not knowing what to do with myself. the gloomy wetness outside only makes matter worse and all i want to do is sit around and do nothing. do nothing it was, and i got a starbucks that i don’t deserve one bit. but later in the afternoon, i willed myself to get some stuff done instead of being a completely useless human being