day 2186 – self journal reflect

a friend of mine has recently made me buy in on decluttering. took the morning to do a clean up of my room and only got through a portion of it. i got rid of a number of things i won’t be using again and listed new or almost new items on facebook marketplace. being the end of week four, i had a bit of reflection time for my self journal. i must say i’ve done a pretty terrible job the past two weeks. i really need to do a better job of staying on track and being diligent with my choices

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living through my falls

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it’s unbelievable how fast things could change and how far things could fall. outside my shell, it’s hard to tell i have lived through two very rough weeks. but beneath my shell, my life felt very close to the “underworld”, filled with mayhem that’s got me feeling rocking bottom. the descend started off with a week long fever, cough then cold. i couldn’t muster much activity during this time; i was bed ridden and under endless medication majority of the time. my body felt weak as ever; all the ground i’ve gained has been lost, and deep down i felt even worse about myself because i couldn’t do anything to change it. luckily, i had a personal nurse that took care of me and almost felt more concerned about my health than i ever was. just as i was recovering from sickness, the nightmare hit me hard – literally. ever since being struck at dodgeball playoffs, i felt like i was living in a really bad dream. having a concussion is scary because everything felt out of whack. my head and neck were throbbing, my movements were slowed, my speech and thoughts were disoriented, my appetite was affected – the bottom line is, i wasn’t able to function like my normal self. what made it difficult was i couldn’t tell people what i was going through nor could i disclose the severity fearing they will not let me continue with my upcoming events which means so much to me. i’m feeling slightly better with each passing day and a week after the incident, i can safely say recovery seems like it’s on course. thankful mo has been by my side during this rough span. just having his presence makes things better and gives me the inspiration to think on the bright side even when times get tough. i’ve fallen very far down and lost a lot of the gains i’ve been working hard at, but now is really not the time to hang my head. i’m not okay with myself and my performance in it’s current stage, so i’m going to make it right. i must get it together and make up that ground in a hurry. it won’t be easy, but it will be done

day 978 – carb loading

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back in town from a self satisfying trip down portland. first off, post competition breakfast carb loading with my man. competition prep period had its millions of sacrifices and restrictions which made some days painstakingly hard to get through. i haven’t eaten so much in a meal in so long, i forget how bread and potatoes amongst many other things taste like. i’ll give myself a couple days off to indulge in things i couldn’t have had during that phase, but won’t be long before i have to live with those restrictions again in pursuit of my next big event

day 965 – reading up

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having some down time amidst my busy schedule is never a bad thing. spent my alone time being productive at timmys and doing my readings before i go off to training. i am only on the first chapter of this book, but everything that’s been said totally relates to me. this might help pull me out of the many competition ruts that i stumbled upon. why have i not read this book way back to my first competition days??

day 843 – formal outfit

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my outfit of the day going to the all important vdl 10 years celebration. this is a night i will remember because i am sober for the duration of the social. getting to see all the old faces who came before my time and helped guide this league into what it is ten years later. the growth of this league is amazing and it was only made possible because this committed group of people came together to build a community. i am truly happy to be a part of the building team because vdl has given me so much in return

day 827 – temptations

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two bowls filled with halloween chocolate up for grab this morning. the past me would have hastily pigged out on it, but not today. today i decided to walk away from it cause i don’t want low quality addictives to ruin my system. i still can’t believe i resisted the urge to indulge in them but i know i made someone proud. i feel like my mental game is getting stronger already

day 803 – lift them

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couldn’t get through my conscience without hitting the gym after a horrible eating day. just pigged out terribly bad past two days i feel like crap. no more thanksgiving pigging out for me, eating is so overrated. the horrible combination of bad eating and no exercise makes it so tough to get back into the thick of training, and really showed for it at the gym today. i sure didn’t make the numbers today and that’s a warning i must step it up