day 2168 – spiderman ps4

continuing with the spiderman theme because i was pressured by the crew to put on my new spiderman ps4 suit. i’m not going to lie i was feeling self conscious because i never had to put on a full suit when no one else around me had one on. i got a spot in since i wasn’t sure how slippery the landing would be. i took some photos and did a couple back flips before i changed out of it. i told myself i wasn’t in spiderman shape yet, but come the end of the thirteen weeks i will be

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day 1932 – singaporean food

the buildings are nice but not to forget there’s a lot of famous food in singapore. the one ice cream shop i really wanted to hit up was too far out of the way, but that’s okay because i managed to hit up a decent black sugar pearl bubble tea place. on my fourth and last day in singapore, i also tried some street food cheap eats like their famous satay puffs, satay skewers, durian ice cream, laksa to name a few. i stayed away from fried foods as much as possible but that still gave me plenty variety to try. street food was a lot cheaper than restaurants. i’m conscious about overeating and gaining weight from this trip

day 1570 – ikea run

treated to ikea froyo for helping with the ikea run. haven’t been to ikea for some time and haven’t eaten anything from ikea in a long time. as much as i wanted to reject the extra calories knowing pubnight social food is in the evening, it was already bought for me. so much guilt as i hold onto this cone wondering what after effects it may have. i restrict myself to a deficit on a regular basis, so one day i will lose the fat name callings. until then, i’ll always be self conscious and not let myself always have what it craves

day 1508 – free check

one thing i like doing when strolling is using free health check machines at drugstores. i’m pretty sure it’s put there for seniors to keep tab on blood pressure, but i’m a health conscious and self conscious person. in the past i’ve gone down to nineties over fifties which gave my kineisiologist a scare. the numbers are still low but at least it’s triple digit systolic number and inching closer to optimal range

day 1386 – on strike

taking things a little personal and realizing i need to do something about it. it bothers me enough to tear up a little. it’s one of those things when i don’t feel deserving and i’m stubborn enough to do it. i prefer not eating and i will feel that way until i can hit the gym again. i’ll get hangry at times, but eating is secondary to being good enough in my own terms – not to mention it conserves time and money. it’s a little easier to get around it when parents are out of town

day 1301 – self conscious 

not moving much and not being physically active has made me become self conscious and i’ve let it take over with my decision making. it’s only fair that if i can’t do what i want, it won’t get what it wants either. can’t help but feel undeserving so i skipped a meal or two and waited out my appetite. as long as i occupy myself, everything becomes psychological needs

resolution series: [fifteen] confidence

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i have never been a confident person and i still am not, but i have taken strides in this area. i have very high expectations for myself; the fearful part is when i do not meet those standards, it becomes detrimental to my already lacking and wavering confidence level. playing on teams definitely helped just knowing my teammates will always be there to back me up. i have been fortunate to be a part of numerous teams with awesome teammates that support each other so well and prides in teamwork and team building activities. team chemistry plays a big role in bringing home championships – i experienced that first hand. becoming a part of the vdl exec team has made me more vocal; part of the package requires speaking in front of large groups of people, constantly meeting new people and putting myself out there in a bigger community. taekwondo has provided me more than i could have ever imagined. having met a close knit family where we train together and sweat together. through instructing, competing and demonstrating, it has forced me to speak and demonstrate in front of students, parents and spectators alike. i am glad that many moons ago, my instructor pushed me out into competition because it has been, by far, the biggest difference maker. being alone in the ring with all eyes watching can be fearful as hell but when time comes i have no choice and just have to go on stage and finish what i started. no doubt i have gained a lot experience, respect and approval through being both an instructor and a competitor, but that also comes with responsibility and pressure. not only have i developed my own standard that i must live up to, but others also have high expectations for me that i’d hate to disappoint. all of these undertakings were a leap of faith that required me to step out of my comfort zone and into a completely new territory not knowing what to expect. from a person who is unwilling to speak up, i have evolved to being capable of stepping up in front of large crowds and audiences. this is not to say i am comfortable being in the spotlight because i still get nervous every single time, but at least i am willing to take that step forward. even today i still shy away from attention and hide in the background. i am still quiet by nature, and only when i feel comfortable around you will i start to open up and express myself. that’s when you will get to know me better as a person, my values, the driving force and reasons behind the things i do. there’s a lot hiding inside if you manage to crack my shell