self shamed

i would be in a better place if only i could see eye to eye with this quote. getting bashed is something i’ve gotten too used to growing up. for years and years, i’ve always struggled with confidence, mainly self confidence. never came naturally and at times questioned if it even exists. i always thought of all my imperfections and in my mind i always had a vision of what perfect is. i thought i had found some latter part of last year when i was at my peak and everything felt well, but that has diminished. being a person that’s largely affected by other’s words, i take every put down personal. lately i’ve fallen depressed and almost ashamed of myself in so many ways. i wasn’t happy nor satisfied with my mental state, physique and features and even where i am within the society. i can’t be the perfect daughter, i can’t be the perfect girl, i can’t have the perfect job, i can’t have the perfect personality, i can’t have the perfect physique – i simply can’t be perfect. this self hate sucks because i would feel the need to purposely beat myself up or starve myself. losing sleep thinking over and over again what i need to get the self confidence back. it’s been a struggle learning to accept myself for who i am

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day 891 – major crossroad

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training tonight was unlike any training i have been to for the past several years. i’m afraid there’s so much to work on and not enough time to get myself up to his standards, or even my own standards. i can only promise to try my best, but no guarantees i will get it down pat. the fear of undertaking this daunting endeavour alone is frightful, i’m afraid i won’t live up to expectations and disappoint those that invested time in getting me there. i don’t know how long i’d last or if this is the right moment to jump off the train now

day 631 – quest continues

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going about my usual routine, not much has changed and i mean it in a disappointing way. i am beginning to understand what it is i am lacking which is the all important piece to my puzzle. i just haven’t found the integral quality to get over some hurdles that keeps coming into play. until i find it, i will be on the same quest to find that missing element and hopefully everything click soon enough

day 107 – in search of the exit to my tunnel

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someone said this is the happiest place on earth. take me there so i can escape all the sorrow, stress, anger and depressing reality i am stuck in now. living life the wrong way. there will be better days ahead, just one of those times when i must dig deep to find that exit out of this long and dark tunnel

day 79 – still left sitting

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still sitting here thinking what happened and why i am chosen for the good yet bad news. with such short notice and little or no way for me to prepare for something i have been put on the spot, what is expected of me?? i hate not living up to expectations and i certainly don’t want to screw up in front so many