day 2494 – rocky times

the end of may has been a rather rocky stretch in a few aspects. i’m honestly not sure what to expect once june hits. the progress inside the garage gym has been really good many thanks to my lifting partner who encourages and spots me when necessary. i certainly hope it keeps going but i’m not sure if that’ll continue if he get busy. the tricking has been the sad part, because so many things have fallen apart this whole month. i don’t remember how to do a cartwheel and webster; it almost seems like i’m not in control of my own body. i need to be harsher on myself because i can’t keep letting it slide

day 2376 – not deserving

i felt like crap after training because i simply couldn’t replicate and connect my cartwheel with anything going backwards. i wanted help but no chance because he’s too focused helping one person. left the gym disappointed beating myself up. i didn’t deserve to eat so i went straight home so i wouldn’t tear up in front of people. whenever i don’t do what i need to, i would punish myself with no food because eating needs to be earned

day 2331 – no headway

i carried around a heavy heart today because i’m not sure what my tricking future holds. today is technically the last class day of classes and i haven’t made any headway. i couldn’t say anything while i was with the gang, but i broke the moment i got home. for the first time, i spilled what my mind and body has been intending to do. it made me think back on all that’s happened and all that didn’t. it hurts me so much that it may have come to an end. all i could do is cry myself to sleep

day 2320 – low life

sleepless on a sunday night does not bode well for monday morning. i needed a coffee first thing when i got into work. i couldn’t help but stay awake thinking and overthinking of all the things i may have to give up. i can’t stop myself from crying thinking my life as an athlete could come to an abrupt end. i hadn’t done all that i wanted to accomplish and i clearly hadn’t expected it to approach so soon. i can’t stand to open up and tell many of my injury status so keeping it to myself was my next best option

beyoncé – if i were a boy

it makes me sad listening to this, but it also resembles the current. a lot goes to show that i’ve been taken for granted. it’s true that a guy will never understand what damages they make with a little mistake. once done it can’t be undone, once not done it cannot be made up for. i’ve lost all hope in making this a meaningful relationship if i can’t feel any care or support. i can’t make you better and i don’t want to change a person, but i have an option to move on. this really is the last of it and maybe one day, it’ll finally click

day 1530 – one for mom

celebrated mom’s birthday before parents head to the airport for yet another trip to hong kong. in front of them, i act like there’s no pain and everything is okay even though deep down it’s a completely different story. upon seeing them off, i closed the front door and tears immediately began to roll down my eyes. i couldn’t stop the down pour; the only way to dull my heart break way was to lay in bed. it hurts in every way and hard to accept that my life has changed drastically. i’m tired from all this i don’t know how i will handle this change to being practically disabled

day 1425 – waterworks

when was the last time i smiled from the heart?? please take me back in time and erase the nightmare i’ve been trapped in. there’s just no smiling today; not even the fakest. the only thing i did was cry as it continuously and uncontrollably roll down. my eyes were like waterfall no matter how hard i tried not to think. my eyes are tired, my mind is tired and so is my heart. the uncertainties of what i should do is far from over. i can’t imagine going to work tomorrow and anything acting like myself

day 854 – hotspot for hotpot

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turning another page of the calendar, to a month i don’t want to welcome. i knew way back that this day was going to arrive, but i was in denial all along. i was scared because every waking second is ticking away and inching closer to your inevitable leaving. every now and then i wish time would slow down just so it can prolong the time we have left together. i really do feel special that we get some alone time to have dinner out in the handful of days you have remaining. know that it’s a rare occasion to expand my unchartered food territory cause i only do this for you

day 600 – pick me up

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there are so many uncertainties in my life and so many things i cannot control. so many questions floating in my head. i can’t be certain if i have chosen the path i want, if it’s even possible, if it’s worth it and most importantly – is my passion still there. i am very scared that the passion no longer exists and i am pursuing something where my heart is not at. i am lost in darkness and not sure where i am headed. and if it’s not, it will only make me more depressed than ever. where are all the answers to get me out of this funk?? on a completely different note, happy 600th day post

pat quinn tribute – a hockey legend

there’s tremendous sadness in the world of hockey today as the life of a hockey legend come to an end. pat quinn was an incredible man, player, coach and mentor who contributed so much to the game of hockey and brought so much joy to many fans across the nation. not only was he a key component of many great vancouver canucks moments, he was also a big part of countless nhl and hockey canada moments. everyone who’s worked with in the hockey community respects him so and compliments him with nothing but the highest regards. for me, he will forever be remembered as the man who drafted my idol trevor linden into the system and lead the 94 team into the stanley cup finals. he will be missed but not forgotten because he leaves behind a great legacy. pat quinn said it best, “follow your dreams, listen to your heart, obey your passion”