day 2523 – nothingness

i had a super frustrating training session at tricking and left the gym crying. i’ve been going at cart fronts and btwists for some time but there’s next to no progress to show for. the coach would point out that i’m doing things wrong, but no matter what i do, i can’t seem to do what the coach is telling me do so he’s also given up on me. as much as i want to slow down and work on the technique, i don’t know how it feels like to be right. i feel so hopeless that part of me thinks i should give up on it because i’ll never get it. i’m told to take a break and work on something else, but that’s happened for all my moves, and as it stands i’ve accomplished nothing

day 2501 – ankle breakdowns

very concerning my ankle just randomly decided to breakdown during open gym. my training session started off strong even though my energy level was low. my flash kicks felt the best it’s very been on blue. after a dozen reps, the pressure in my ankle was so much i couldn’t really weight bear anymore. the rest of the session was a drag because i couldn’t do anything and except maybe handstands. i guess the beginning was just a false sense of energy

day 2477 – revisiting tricks

it’s been a rough stretch full of frustration and tears because i really am not getting the touch down raiz and i worry i’ll never get it. it hurts me so much that even my most basic moves are falling apart. i have no choice but to switch it up and work on some of my old tricks. that meant tweaking my front tuck take off to protect my hyperextended knee so i can get my cart front. i also tried some websters but none felt right and the weeks of work i put into drilling it seems to have gone down the drain. the one positive i can take away is i can still try to connect my cartwheel back handspring which i haven’t worked on for weeks. i can’t help but feel defeated for all the things that i want aren’t working

day 2467 – aging well

i’ll be the first to admit i didn’t sleep well not knowing how this quarantine birthday would turn out. going into the day, i had no plans besides a home cooked dinner and cake with family. waking up, i thought i’d do a solo lift, have a couple of lonely hours waiting for dinner time to arrive. fortunately, it got better as the day unfolded and turned out to be quite eventful. i met up with some friends who got me onezo bubble tea, then had a hangout to take some shenanigan photos, and finished off with a zoom short party after a decadent dinner. i’ll be the honest i wasn’t looking forward to this because growing older is hard to accept, especially when i feel like i’ve underachieved all my life. i mulled about it for some time, but maturity came around and said that age is just a number; my heart and body still feels young

day 2466 – elevate it

i was told to keep my ankle moving, but elevate it whenever possible, so naturally thought of doing some handstands. i was also bored out of my mind during the day time finding things to do and shows to watch. it also bothered me so much contemplating if i could still train tonight. at training, i was sad because it occurred to me that i had absolutely no plans for my birthday tomorrow. i guess everyone forgot about my special day

day 2411 – discouragements

sometimes i may show nothing on the surface, but deep inside i’m just discouraged and hurt. i couldn’t contain myself when i got home at night because it’s hard to accept i still have yet to get my webster and flash despite all the time and energy spent on it since november. it’s hard to swallow that everyone is improving so much quicker and here i am still working on the same thing time after time, still being told to be patient when i can no longer be patient. sometimes i wonder why i’m still going in to work on it when nothing is going to change. i don’t want to be the hard worker that gets nothing done

day 2373 – rutted

i’ve had far too many nose blows the past few months. the amount of times i stay awake being sad and discouraged far exceeds the times i not. i’m so tired of it; the feeling of quitting happens every other day. i’m not okay being neglected, left alone to fail and self destruct while some get the full on instructions. it hurts me that i show up to classes and open gyms ready to learn, ready to land my next move, but i’m clearly not their priority because they’ve got their ‘pokemon’ to train. i don’t deserve this and it hurts me so much inside more than words can explain

day 2296 – missing me

this is an extreme pessimism post because i’ve seriously had enough everything. there’s so much i miss about this. i miss being able to move without so much pain and limitations. i miss being the fittest, strongest and best shape of my life. i miss doing backflips, kicks and flips at will. i miss playing hockey and dodgeball with all my teammates. i miss the soreness that came after every lifting and training session. i miss being able to jump and climb onto anything i wanted to. i miss the summer sunshine and being outdoors until night. i miss doing everything i can’t do at the moment

day 2280 – home arrest

the continuation of no work, no driving and little walking basically means i’m under house arrest. i was advised to put on the boot as precautions until it’s confirmed nothing is fractured or broken. i feel utterly useless right now when everything is delivered to me. i fail to see the positives in this situation, but i’m grateful for those taking care of me. i tried really hard to turn my attention to watching some tvb drama and working on my make belief model home

day 2189 – fainty

been a while since i had it so bad. so bad that i left work early and took a nap in my car before i knew i was in condition to be behind the wheel. the fact that i nearly fainted was the reason i skipped out on flipping today and headed home. i was pretty sad but it left me with no choice but to crawl into bed. i hope to feel better tomorrow because i still got work to do, workout to crush and softball to play