day 2411 – discouragements

sometimes i may show nothing on the surface, but deep inside i’m just discouraged and hurt. i couldn’t contain myself when i got home at night because it’s hard to accept i still have yet to get my webster and flash despite all the time and energy spent on it since november. it’s hard to swallow that everyone is improving so much quicker and here i am still working on the same thing time after time, still being told to be patient when i can no longer be patient. sometimes i wonder why i’m still going in to work on it when nothing is going to change. i don’t want to be the hard worker that gets nothing done

day 2373 – rutted

i’ve had far too many nose blows the past few months. the amount of times i stay awake being sad and discouraged far exceeds the times i not. i’m so tired of it; the feeling of quitting happens every other day. i’m not okay being neglected, left alone to fail and self destruct while some get the full on instructions. it hurts me that i show up to classes and open gyms ready to learn, ready to land my next move, but i’m clearly not their priority because they’ve got their ‘pokemon’ to train. i don’t deserve this and it hurts me so much inside more than words can explain

day 2296 – missing me

this is an extreme pessimism post because i’ve seriously had enough everything. there’s so much i miss about this. i miss being able to move without so much pain and limitations. i miss being the fittest, strongest and best shape of my life. i miss doing backflips, kicks and flips at will. i miss playing hockey and dodgeball with all my teammates. i miss the soreness that came after every lifting and training session. i miss being able to jump and climb onto anything i wanted to. i miss the summer sunshine and being outdoors until night. i miss doing everything i can’t do at the moment

day 2280 – home arrest

the continuation of no work, no driving and little walking basically means i’m under house arrest. i was advised to put on the boot as precautions until it’s confirmed nothing is fractured or broken. i feel utterly useless right now when everything is delivered to me. i fail to see the positives in this situation, but i’m grateful for those taking care of me. i tried really hard to turn my attention to watching some tvb drama and working on my make belief model home

day 2189 – fainty

been a while since i had it so bad. so bad that i left work early and took a nap in my car before i knew i was in condition to be behind the wheel. the fact that i nearly fainted was the reason i skipped out on flipping today and headed home. i was pretty sad but it left me with no choice but to crawl into bed. i hope to feel better tomorrow because i still got work to do, workout to crush and softball to play

day 15090 – beneath 

i didn’t have to come today but i didn’t know what to do with myself when my mind doesn’t stop going. struggles still pop up though all this time i denied i was hurt much deeper than the surface. here i am on a friday night trying to workout like i have nothing else better to do. i have to step back, take a deep breath and remind myself i didn’t do anything wrong

day 1452 – downfall

img_20200130_2314515776652021738369716.jpgsomeone said when you’re at the bottom, there’s nowhere to go but up – i don’t think so. in one of my worst and weakest state yet, i still find ways to fall further. i am truly disappointed and disheartened to the point where my heart turned stone cold as tears rolled down. i sense that i’m nearing the brink and any disloyalty would cause more than a rumble because my trust is not infinite nor free. it will hurt but i know that if boundary is crossed, i will not hold on