day 1512 – work roadblock 

it’s hard to please everyone when i have a handful of projects in my queue, each sales claiming theirs is urgent. already stressed with the many tasks on my list, any added drama was uncalled for. a road block came up today which could have gotten me into a lot of trouble. good thing my manager didn’t step in and let me dig myself out of it. i was stressed, but had to prove that i could handle managing the tech team. i had to get over fight the rush hour to get to a poomsae seminar in burnaby. although i wasn’t in condition to partake, sifu wasn’t too angry because i made the effort to be present

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day 749 – lower than low

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having one of those low moments and needing a pick me up kinda day. i think i have developed ptsd and feeling as low as i have ever been. rarely am i able to admit fear but i have no other explanation except exactly that. i haven’t got a solution as to how to fix or address the problem. all i know is it is way past normal bedtime hours but i am lying in bed unable to fall asleep because i am in thoroughly disappointment, it bothers me more than anything

day 709 – bowl of cherries

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life is like a bowl of cherries. that’s how i wish my life was right now, except it’s completely opposite. constant struggles and endless thinking but still no answer as to what i need to do to get past the road block. even when i am tired, i cannot fall asleep at night because my brain is still spinning in circles. been juggling a lot and going through some rough patches, i find myself wanting to think of a solution but when i can’t i just want to escape reality

struggle is real

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i won’t lie, i am defeated and deflated. ever since coming back from nationals earlier this week, i have yet to get a good night’s sleep or get much sleep at all. my mind is constantly thinking; thinking nonstop, even when i am tired because i cannot fall asleep because it hurts me so. feeling depressed and disappointed not because of my performance or that i didn’t have a podium finish. it’s seeing the national battlefield and noticing my competition continues to get better year after year for they have proper coaching to lead them up. i want to stay with the pack and give myself a good chance, but i am beginning to think doing it alone is next to impossible. there’s a lot of skepticism about how my road ahead looks like and what i should be doing when it doesn’t look like it’s going to take me to the destination of my choice. struggling mightily to figure out what i need to do in order to give myself the best possible chance for success. for the time being, i see no possible room for advancement if i continue to train here, simply because there is no adequate resources in this area. that’s what happens when we are leading the pack in the province but there’s no support from the school up top. for as long as i stay here, every step of the way will be a struggle. i need to figure out something to draw out and realize my fullest potential and do what’s best for me