day 1396 – start low

lightening up and still feel difficulty with five sets doesn’t bode well for my psyche. four weeks of disruption from my workout program and all my lifts suffers a tremendous drop. everything must stay within warmup range until i can prove my that recovery is at 50%. i’m trying to stay patient but i’m not very patient at this and it sucks the life out of me until i am fully back. i’m waiting on everything that i have little control over

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feelings or not

through the years of breaking and mending myself, i can confirm that pain tolerance is something i’m well developed with. it’s as if people assume i either don’t have feelings to show for or my feelings don’t matter regardless. people often don’t see how damaging words can be; only the person on the receiving end can truly feel the impact. i can confirm that i’ve trained myself to not have feelings because even if i once had, it should be defected by now. i learned that i will never voice my displeasure and not show any emotions even when i’m clearly uncomfortable taking them in. my emotions are kept in the safest place beneath the impermeable layers . i’m constantly being reminded that no matter what i do, nothing will be good enough because their perceptions will always remain. i guess some just finds pleasure in making others feel bad and undeserving; and they’ve succeeded to ingrain that in me on many different levels. whatever their intentions are, if saying such things satisfies their needs, so be it because being selfless is something i strive for. when negative comments are fired, all i have to do is deactivate what’s left of my feelings and everything will be okay