day 2171 – late comer

i arrived extremely late for civil war and it was almost like a gear up speed test to get onto the ice in time for the second shift. i was close to not going to hockey at all because i had been tied up with taekwondo, tired from an extra long shift of teaching and just tired in general. somehow, i got convinced and pressured to show up; i guess better late than never. i had to book it home after our ice time because i’m expecting to wake up at 6am tomorrow

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day 1906 – front tuck landed

i’m calling this my first official front tuck landed on the floor even though i had one last week that i wasn’t satisfied with. i was hesitant to attempt again; they sensed it but were still adamant on it from the get go. the pressure was strong and everyone had their eyes on me as i warmed myself up on the mats. i was feeling really iffy on the first ones, but eventually stuck a landing. i’m thankful they believed i could and gave me all the support possible. sometimes i need to be pushed; i wouldn’t have done it otherwise if they weren’t forcing it on me

day 1507 – working slave


this fifty nine hour work week makes me i more like a working slave. i was pressured into taking an extra teaching shift that i was reluctant to take. i didn’t want to work a thirteen hour breakless shift on a friday but that’s what it came to be. sifu made me very uncomfortable with all the things he’s forcing upon me; he expects me to take the roles of school poomsae coach and the team bc poomsae coach which comes with added certifications i must first complete. thinking of the increased regular training and time commitment stresses me out, as if i don’t have enough on my plate already

day 1478 – buckle down

it’s inexcusable that so many times i lose my self discipline and stray off from what i need to be doing. there’s been a lot of pressure from different sources of life and i’m struggling trying to stand my ground. i didn’t sign up for this, maybe i was meant to be alone in the dark, forever. i’m so stressed out; it’s been disappointing the stress has so much impact on my willpower and the lack of it. there is no excuse to not have a better habit and stick with what i want

a nobody

it’s not without reason that i have been eerily quiet about me and my life the past month. piecing together scattering thoughts, i have identified the main cause and finally come to reveal what’s going on. those who don’t know me may think it’s just mood swings, but it’s not. i have just quietly kept everything trapped inside and reserved all my feelings because i felt like a nobody. i felt like the relationship is no longer what it used to be. every time i see what this pair at the gym can do with each other, i can’t help when some enviousness creep in. the way they could be so down to earth and so supportive. and over the course of the weeks and months, i could see she’s feeding off of his support and making the gains of her fitness journey. i know not everyone envisions the same relationship goals, that’s just one of mine. tons of questions and uncertainties as to what the priorities really were. there’s been a lot of tears and negative thoughts going through my mind that i cannot slay. the nights were painful, the loneliness was strong and the darkness was enduring. for the last several weeks, i was under a lot of pressure where it got so much that i would unknowingly feel tears roll down when i’m idling alone at night. stupidly thinking that if i keep suppressing my feelings, it would eventually end. it obviously didn’t and weighed me down day after day. i couldnt hold it down any longer and finally erupted last night. the situation may not change overnight or change at all, but steps are required. at least i put it out there so mo know how i felt and what’s making me depressed. i don’t have a dependent persona, but maybe i need to be more independent than i already am

silencing

the last week or two has been overtly stressful when i should be practicing but can’t. every waking hour means it’s closer to competition day, yet all i can do is feel hopelessly antsy and frustrated that i have to stay put. on top of that, i’ve been put under a lot of undue pressure to take on more than i already have. my plate is beyond full and i don’t know how i can possible pile more on without toppling over. the stress is making me lose sleep, lose appetite, lose my words and lose passion. being quiet is not a source of outlet, but i’m not sure if i’ll be understood even if i speak. who would actually relate to  how i feel and why?? as another competition nears, i just want to focus on that but looks like that’s too much to ask for. the pressure is once again getting to me and i feel less ready both physically and mentally. the pressure of expectations is both internal and external; i can’t bear to leave people disappointed and almost want to apologize prior to the event. this is really not the time to fold. i hate how i am weakest when i need to be the strongest. where do i search to find the strength to carry forward

day 1257 – power skating

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sleeping in on sunday is a first since i no longer have to teach killarney. instead, i went for a morning workout and my very first class of power skating lesson in the afternoon. i’m there to learn techniques that can give my game an extra boost to improve even quicker. i felt the pressure to keep up with the faster group, but it’s good cause i need that challenge. this is how sundays should be, a relaxing day doing things together