day 1368 – at the rinkĀ 

another week or drop in hockey to keep me on the ice. i’m still working on getting used to the skates but i feel better already. today’s focus is on playing positional hockey and becoming a smarter player with good iq which is equally as important as putting the puck in the net. i find playing drop in is a bit different than regular league because it allows me to skate freely and try new things. i also find regular lines got me used to the quicker pace and more physical play so i’m trained to be strong on my skates

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day 1366 – lingering effects

slowly getting back to normally but there’s lingering effects both physically and mentally. somehow i am still hesitant and scared to eat regular food, or maybe i’m just worried i’ll get fat again. i’m hollow and empty inside, but i persuade myself i can wait it out. it’s one of those things i’d rather endure than being hurt and be scarred time after time. it affects me more than i’d ever want to talk about it

day 1314 – playoff scrums


starting the monday grind with overtime at work, a workout and dodgeball before my first ever playoff hockey game. i got into more scrums and battles because playoff hockey gets rougher. i received a good centering pass but very mad i put the puck over top of the net instead of in the back of the net. i can’t stop thinking about how i didn’t capitalize; it could have been the difference maker as we lost 3-2

silencing

the last week or two has been overtly stressful when i should be practicing but can’t. every waking hour means it’s closer to competition day, yet all i can do is feel hopelessly antsy and frustrated that i have to stay put. on top of that, i’ve been put under a lot of undue pressure to take on more than i already have. my plate is beyond full and i don’t know how i can possible pile more on without toppling over. the stress is making me lose sleep, lose appetite, lose my words and lose passion. being quiet is not a source of outlet, but i’m not sure if i’ll be understood even if i speak. who would actually relate to  how i feel and why?? as another competition nears, i just want to focus on that but looks like that’s too much to ask for. the pressure is once again getting to me and i feel less ready both physically and mentally. the pressure of expectations is both internal and external; i can’t bear to leave people disappointed and almost want to apologize prior to the event. this is really not the time to fold. i hate how i am weakest when i need to be the strongest. where do i search to find the strength to carry forward

day 1170 – tired brain

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some thoughts are really getting to me lately. it bugs me, but speaking my heart is hard. maybe i am just faulty or maybe i just need to suck it up and accept not being accepted. i try to not let these thoughts get in my head, but it’s only human. the storm is coming and i’m not looking forward to going outside; perhaps once this rainstorm is over, it’ll be over for me too

day 1016 – hammy problems

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day one at the competition was spent watching the junior division and doing some final preparations, both physically and mentally. after slapping on cream, endless rolling and massages, i am doing some partner stretching on the floor. i will do whatever i can to make my leg kick tomorrow because nationals is my biggest event of the year. the nerves are starting to build up as the day wears on, but i think i have a more stable mindset to better manage the bad wolf inside. of course, talking to mo calms my nerves and puts my thoughts back into place

day 626 – low key

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basically treated today as rest day because i was instructed that i shouldn’t over exert myself the day before. i slept in and sat around doing nothing and did all things considered unimportant, which i normally wouldn’t get a chance to do. at least i got eight hours of sleep in and that felt like heaven. still had to teach this afternoon but kept my exertion to a minimal. staying low key and trying my best to stay out of trouble is a pretty tall task for me.