fight for it

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very, very late last night, i finally gathered the courage and came to a tough decision to pass up on this year’s us open. this may be a rare opportunity in my lifetime to partake in such a massive event of exceptional calibre. i never ever in my life imagined myself being granted this opportunity but maybe because of that, it instilled so much fear in me. it would have been a superb experience, but not one that i felt i was ready to take on alone. i didn’t feel like my physical capabilities nor my mental game was ready for this level of competition. i can’t deny i am very disappointed i choose to back out of these opens because it’s something i’ve been really looking forward to for months and months. sometimes i think i would hate myself for letting this chance slip away, but it’s a decision i made and one that i will be able to live with. i know that this decision was as tough on me as it was for those who devoted so much time and energy in me – with their heart and soul and giving me only positive encouragements. there’s several individuals i want to single out for they were always around to listen to all my rants, troubles and everything in between. but none more so than the hardass nazi who never stopped believing in me, who listened to my many insecurities and tried to put everything into perspective in order to will me to take the challenge. i can’t express my gratitude for all the support i have received along the way. i am sorry i couldn’t make this happen, i wished i could find the inner strength. i may seem down and out at the moment, but with time i will recuperate and bounce back stronger than before. i haven’t lost my passion for competing, it’s simply a little setback that i must overcome. moving forward, i will work extra hard to better prepare myself for nationals. it’s going to happen

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day 758 – physio checkup

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having my regular morning physio check up and it was a positive one, held up nicely since last visit and that’s huge for me. it’s a sign of progress and a big step in the right direction considering i have been doing a fair amount of my activities during this time span. my reward for having such positive feedback is some trolling courtesy of my physio and kinesiologist who demanded some unexpected numbers and then threw a curveball at me. i had a lot of hesitation but they gave me the sense there was no way out of it knowing i must do it or i am not going home

day 612 – unchartered territory

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ten is the number that has eluded me all this time, but this morning i went into unchartered territory with all the help i can get. it was a hard run with many many doubts throughout and both my mind and body found infinite reasons to stop, but somehow the ten kilometre grind was completed and i am glad i did it. the struggle was real and it was undeniably a humbling experience. after all that work and seeing i am still in one piece, i indulged in some sushi at the end of the day to celebrate my brother’s birthday. good new is i had done the run to burn off the calories, but the bad news is it all cancelled out and i must do it again

all in a days work

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this reminds me of my physio crew that serves me so well. they have tried to hammer that the feelings of soreness, tired, fatigue, exhaustion are all part of the package because it means the training is working. for all the years they have known me, they must have heard every possible reason or excuse from me by now and no longer adhere to what i say or how i feel. as far as they are concerned, they will push me as hard and as far as they see fit, and give me no breathing room to escape. my reasons have little or no effect on them, they just listen and look at me but do nothing to acknowledge. even when i plead i can’t, their response is only “i don’t care, you have or do it”. so i know whenever something asked of me seems insurmountable, my mind is constantly finding ways to cut myself some slack. but no matter what i say or plead, the demand doesn’t change but all these can’t thoughts comes out so naturally. but i am grateful for their uncompromising and unsympathetic attitude, because they see that i am capable of such and that’s the only way i will get better. it is the main reason i have made big strides in the right direction – towards a healthier me

take no excuses

image my leg was burning and could not muster another rep so i turned to my kinesiologist and said i am exhausted. he in turn stared at me with little compassion and told me i must tank it and keep going no matter what my body feels. every now and then, he would look over to check on me and tell me not to slack off because he knows me far too well. over the many years, the kins that worked with me knows exactly what i do to get out of doing things i consider difficult. i guess i have developed a slacker reputation and one that will stick with me for as long as i live. they no longer concede to any of my excuses or complaints because know that i give up too easily and only stay within my comfort zone. in other words, unless i puke, faint or die on the spot, i must keep going because he isn’t decreasing the reps or weight. and in at the end i survived it all and knew i had done something right for once. he told me he believed i was strong enough and forced me to find a way to tough it out, all i needed was a push. i’ll take that compliment with me and think about it at home. he also said that training is meant to be hard so to push me to my limit because it’s all about overcoming weaknesses. if the training was easy, i would be cheating myself. thankfully he hadn’t conceded to my whining otherwise i would have taken the easy way out for the two hundred thousandths time

day 362 – picking up where i left off

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i have not set foot near the squat rack ever since my knee exploded. for the first time in nine weeks, i had the courage to step up to it again, but this time not having an expectations. to my astonishment, i was able to lift the same weight i had just prior to the injury. even though it’s not much and there’s so much to improve upon, it meant the world to me. it made my day and i can say i am truly satisfied. now i will work even harder to build up that weight

day 343 – gyming

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i am feeling tired today but i am trying to eliminate all those reasons why i shouldn’t go because excuses are lame. at the gym trying to keep up with it because that’s what i said i would do. there’s no room for excuses because i know i can usually pull one out from my back pocket. its so hot outside it felt like a sauna everywhere and didn’t take much break a sweat