day 1856 – disassembled

pain is something i have a lot of experience of and much tolerance for. of the fifteen years i’ve been seeing my physio, i never felt so close to passing out from the pain inflicted. wanting to get me back into my sports and away from dysfunctional shoulder, he didn’t hold back and completely crushed me into bits. i laid on the massage table for an extra minute before i could regain my senses and pick myself off it and onto my feet. even at the end of the day, it hurt so much that my whole shoulder is numb and to the point it’s lost all its powers and ability to move. the analogy is a race car arriving at a pit stop to get ripped apart for repairs. felt a lot like physio tore me apart and reassembled my shoulder. this is the price i pay to fix my shoulder, but i’d rather pay for it to get me back in the game without restrictions

day 1828 – beemer recall

driving in an all new white 330i courtesy car to physio while shadow gets serviced. physio delivered the good news to me that my xrays came back negative. he diagnosed my injury as one that compressed and jammed up my whole ribcage. it all makes sense when he pointed out that my right is also limited in range. his nonstop jabs at my chest and ribcage were painful, and left me trying to catch my breath even after he let go of me. though i know it’ll get better after the pain and tenderness he caused subsides, i can’t help but that i’m in agonizing pain

day 1505 Рphysio revisited 

getting my hand checked out gives everyone a peace of mind, but knowing it’s more serious than i thought isn’t what i wanted. he was not surprised of another new injury plus my preexisting list of injured body parts. to my physio’s dismay, he told me not one, not two, but three tendons were sprained. i guess the pain i felt was real but forcing it very hard wishfully thinking the pain isn’t real. having high pain tolerance is good but it does come back to bite me. also got my knee and hip adjusted as per usual and wasn’t expecting my knee cap to be out as well. aside from my knee, he was quite happy with the shape i was in

day 1485 – casual pr

my hand still hurt like a beep but going in cold for my second try at my normal monday workout. my crippled hand is still painful to open and close, meaning no deads today but still got to finish the squat portion. i went in just wanting to lift something without judgement, but instead casually matching my post rehab record weight for four, which is upped from last week

day 1320 – can’t catch a break

what are the odds of wounding both elbows in a day??¬†i hurt myself often and i’ve gotten very good at doing so. didn’t think the initial hit could be so bad until a saw a trail down my arm. my parents freaked out over it and gave me their best version of tape job. felt like my body clock was utterly out of sync today and couldn’t explain why . don’t want to think tomorrow is monday again and not ready to take in another week of work and busyness

feelings or not

through the years of breaking and mending myself, i can confirm that pain tolerance is something i’m well developed with. it’s as if people assume i either don’t have feelings to show for or my feelings don’t matter regardless. people often don’t see how damaging words can be; only the person on the receiving end can truly feel the impact. i can confirm that i’ve trained myself to not have feelings because even if i once had, it should be defected by now. i learned that i will never voice my displeasure and not show any emotions even when i’m clearly uncomfortable taking them in. my emotions are kept in the safest place beneath the impermeable layers . i’m constantly being reminded that no matter what i do, nothing will be good enough because their perceptions will always remain. i guess some just finds pleasure in making others feel bad and undeserving; and they’ve succeeded to ingrain that in me on many different levels. whatever their intentions are, if saying such things satisfies their needs, so be it because being selfless is something i strive for. when negative comments are fired, all i have to do is deactivate what’s left of my feelings and everything will be okay

day 1237 – beyond chaotic

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woke up with power outage and still went ahead and showered in the dark thinking it would come back soon, but ended up without electricity for over four hours. during those hours, i was experiencing excruciating pain that even drugs couldn’t dull. i also heard of all the chaos on the road: skytrain delays, bus stalls, tree problems, and accidents all around; i knew i had no business going to work. i had my share of delays on my way to the doctor’s, this was the mess i was caught in