the start of saturday morning shifts has begun so i’ll be working nine straight hours on saturdays between two jobs. i wonder how long i will last with sixty four hour work weeks before i burn out. i was tired after the two shifts but doesn’t change my plans for an impromptu karaoke and board games night. i had a good night chilling with peeps. it was the fun i used to have; the good company kept from thinking why i’m still feeling solo all the time. i miss the times when i could be out way past midnight and actually have a night life
i had a lot of trouble sleeping tonight. what makes me such a good victim for people to hurt and take advantage of. i guess my feelings can be swept aside, guess promises can be broken, guess what i like or don’t like doesn’t matter anyways. at first i didn’t think i was fat but being repeatedly called that makes me believe i am indeed fat and repeatedly makes me skip meals. even after long days i force myself through the fatigue to come here simply cause i can’t eat unless i exercise. today is one of those days where i’m feeling completely burned out from a fifty eight hour work week but still dragged myself to workout because my dinner is not yet earned
fitbit shows me i need to put myself higher on the priority list and sleep a little more. sadly the amount i worked this week doubled the amount of sleep i got. i never really got a break and the start of another work week is in just a few hours away. i’m not looking forward to next week working all seven days. i am not always guaranteed a weekend, but at least this week i still have sunday off as a small breather
as a treat for finishing my semester, i am delivered a sushi dinner. i was majorly stressed and overworked leading up to this day, but i am relieved of my duties of and sharing my happiness together. i haven’t had time to even sit at my desk chir much so i am really looking forward to going back to some routines. on the top of my priorities is sleep and a long, long to do list to catch up with
some thoughts are really getting to me lately. it bugs me, but speaking my heart is hard. maybe i am just faulty or maybe i just need to suck it up and accept not being accepted. i try to not let these thoughts get in my head, but it’s only human. the storm is coming and i’m not looking forward to going outside; perhaps once this rainstorm is over, it’ll be over for me too
when is it my turn to take a real vacation to get away from this hectic life?? i have taken time off, i have flown and driven and gone across canada, but none of which was purely for vacation because i held competition obligations. i am drained, overworked and am in dire need of a vacation where i can just relax and get away from stresses of life no matter how big or small. there’s too many places, cities and countries on my wishlist; when and where will i be able to fulfill them??
through my struggles in the last little while to get past some major mental block where i have attempted to shut off the world and kind of turned against myself. during this stretch, my confidence level wavered immensely because i am unsure where i am headed and unsure if where i want to go is even plausible. is this what i thought i wanted what i truly want to pursue or am i just doing it for the sake of doing it? so many of questions along the same line popped out in my head and i kept questioning myself. it is scary to think that i myself don’t even have any of these critical answers. after hermitting and mulling about these uncertainties for several days, i think i am creeping closer to getting my answers. i think i see the light in the darkness, but the rest is really up to me because it’s mental thing more than anything. i need to train and build up my mentality game to be ready for my competition game. i have been involved in competitions nonstop without any rest, and a mental exhaustion is probably the main spur of this endless self crushing mental block. so for now, i think it’s best for me to step back to look at the broader picture. when something is obviously not going right, it calls for a break to make some adjustments. i am not sure how short or how long of a break i need, but i am positive that when i make my return, i will be stronger and better in every way