i had a lot of trouble sleeping tonight. what makes me such a good victim for people to hurt and take advantage of. i guess my feelings can be swept aside, guess promises can be broken, guess what i like or don’t like doesn’t matter anyways. at first i didn’t think i was fat but being repeatedly called that makes me believe i am indeed fat and repeatedly makes me skip meals. even after long days i force myself through the fatigue to come here simply cause i can’t eat unless i exercise. today is one of those days where i’m feeling completely burned out from a fifty eight hour work week but still dragged myself to workout because my dinner is not yet earned
fitbit shows me i need to put myself higher on the priority list and sleep a little more. sadly the amount i worked this week doubled the amount of sleep i got. i never really got a break and the start of another work week is in just a few hours away. i’m not looking forward to next week working all seven days. i am not always guaranteed a weekend, but at least this week i still have sunday off as a small breather
as a treat for finishing my semester, i am delivered a sushi dinner. i was majorly stressed and overworked leading up to this day, but i am relieved of my duties of and sharing my happiness together. i haven’t had time to even sit at my desk chir much so i am really looking forward to going back to some routines. on the top of my priorities is sleep and a long, long to do list to catch up with
some thoughts are really getting to me lately. it bugs me, but speaking my heart is hard. maybe i am just faulty or maybe i just need to suck it up and accept not being accepted. i try to not let these thoughts get in my head, but it’s only human. the storm is coming and i’m not looking forward to going outside; perhaps once this rainstorm is over, it’ll be over for me too
when is it my turn to take a real vacation to get away from this hectic life?? i have taken time off, i have flown and driven and gone across canada, but none of which was purely for vacation because i held competition obligations. i am drained, overworked and am in dire need of a vacation where i can just relax and get away from stresses of life no matter how big or small. there’s too many places, cities and countries on my wishlist; when and where will i be able to fulfill them??
through my struggles in the last little while to get past some major mental block where i have attempted to shut off the world and kind of turned against myself. during this stretch, my confidence level wavered immensely because i am unsure where i am headed and unsure if where i want to go is even plausible. is this what i thought i wanted what i truly want to pursue or am i just doing it for the sake of doing it? so many of questions along the same line popped out in my head and i kept questioning myself. it is scary to think that i myself don’t even have any of these critical answers. after hermitting and mulling about these uncertainties for several days, i think i am creeping closer to getting my answers. i think i see the light in the darkness, but the rest is really up to me because it’s mental thing more than anything. i need to train and build up my mentality game to be ready for my competition game. i have been involved in competitions nonstop without any rest, and a mental exhaustion is probably the main spur of this endless self crushing mental block. so for now, i think it’s best for me to step back to look at the broader picture. when something is obviously not going right, it calls for a break to make some adjustments. i am not sure how short or how long of a break i need, but i am positive that when i make my return, i will be stronger and better in every way
canada day was exactly opposite of how a statutory holiday should be like; not only am i at work but i even worked overtime. it was a long and exhausting day with no shortage of frustrations and surprises throughout. so much effort, time, preparation, sweat and anger has been put in order to make this inter school competition possible, not only on the front end but also on the back end behind the scenes. on the bright side, today i got to see all my students put forth their efforts , many of which made great improvements. but man, was i ever tired at the end of the day and not many ounces of energy left in me